Jilted

A thought of Slipping

I want to cry. I want to talk to him. I cannot. I cannot. I tried to distract myself again. Nothing works. i see no point in pretending.

I can't do it. It hurts so bad. I just want to see him. He would have come down tomorrow if i just didn't push. I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I am so tired. I don't want to cry anymore. I feel so trapped and alone. Why is he doing this to me?

Why am I not important to him anymore? I just wish he would call. A moment of his time. And now i can't even get a second. Why is this so easy for him? I don't understand. I don't understand. I wish i was stronger like him. That I could stop caring. that I can shut him out. It hurts so much. I cannot talk to anyone. i am alone. I am a parasite that destroyed the only thing that kept me alive. I am pitiful. I hate myself. i don't want to do this.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been doing fine today. I was doing fine. But my chest has been hurting, my hands have been shaking, and I have no motivation to take care of myself. I never it would hurt this much, to lose someone. Not even when someone died, it didn't hurt this much.

I wish he would care for me. I wish I was stronger. I wish...someone would help me. I cannot do this. I cannot. I don't want to hear the words, "You'll be okay."

"You will get over it."

"It happens, he is in college. He is a man. It is what happens."

How does that comfort me? Knowing that these just happen. How does that comfort anyone? Why can't someone just acknowledge how I feel and stop saying I am overreacting? My chest hurts so bad. The pain is so bad. I want to scream. I want to leave. I don't know where I want to go. But I want to leave. I want to be with him. But he doesn't want me anymore. Why does he not want me anymore? I understand but I don't at the same time.

Why won't anyone fucking listen to me? Why is it that when I am sad, I become a burden? Why is that? Is always told me he loved me. He was always there for me. How could I not have comfort in that? When he was always there no matter what. And now he's just left me because he's found a better way to spend his time.

"It will pass." My dad says. "He did love you. It kind of disappointed me too that he left, but I expected it. It's probably for the best."

All the things that make me feel worse. Did no one have hope that he and I would last? Had everyone expected it? Everyone? Was I stupid to allow him to make believe that we would work? He had told me so. Reassured me so much.

It hurts so much. It does. I cannot stand it.

"Are you okay in the head?" My dad asked.

"Mhm" Is all I can say.

"Do you actually believe that?" he pushes again.

"Yes." I force myself to say while blinking back tears, ignoring the lump in my throat. I won't be okay for a while. And they're gonna start expecting me to be. And then I'll have to worry about pretending to be happy. Lying to myself. Keeping it all in. Because who do I have to talk to? He has someone. I have no one. he left me alone, knowing I had no one.

I have no one. I am alone. I have to deal with this myself. I can't handle it. I can't worry about my family. I have to be happy. I can't be happy. I can't be with him. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. Please.

Someone, what can I do? Anything to make it stop. I just want it to stop. I want it to stop. Please make it stop. Don't tell me to get over it. Don't tell me to ignore how I feel because it makes you feel bad. It's not my fault. I am sorry. I am sorry for feeling. For loving you. I am sorry.

And I am tired. And I want to scream. I want to sleep. But he keeps invading my mind. I wonder what he's doing. I wonder why he won't call me.

Why won't he love me? Why. Why. WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

why?

I have no one to talk to. These are my thoughts. Now tell me yours?