Jilted

A thought that's hard to accept

I do still wish that we never reached the end of our story so soon. That there would be years of us together. That we'd fill endless pages of thousands of books.

I don't think I'll ever not mourn us. Even though he may not think of me anymore or has already moved on. Even when I eventually move on, I'm sure a thought of him would cross my mind.

There is no point in me hating the universe for what happened. If we were meant to be then we would have been. We were just two people crossing paths. Just because it ended badly doesn't mean it didn't mean anything. To me, it meant something, at least.

At first, I hoped for the worst things for him. Hated him for leaving me. You only hate people you truly love. And now, I am beginning to understand that I still love him. Some part of me does, a part I'm slowly trying to kill.

I won't say that I will always love him because I don't know if that's true. I might one day forget about him, might not. Who knows.

But knowing that I still love him, I wish him the best. I truly hope he is okay and happy. He's doing well with school, and whenever he's stressed he has someone to talk to, and his family is okay. He is happy now that he has freedom. For as long as he lives, he can get over any obstacles he may come across. That whatever woman he is now with or will get with, although this thought still makes me sick, is good for him in whatever ways I wasn't.

I wasn't the best girlfriend but I wasn't the worst either. At least I hope not. I had my issues. I still have my issues. Still learning, and growing.

It's sad that your favorite person becomes a lesson, but it's a lesson that will teach me to be better. And hopefully, me slowly letting go of that anger I had for him is me growing into someone better as well.

He only did what he felt was right, and if I wasn't right for him anymore I cannot hate him for that.

One thing I hope I did right was always tell him to do what makes him feel good. I hoped that it wouldn't mean to remove me from his world, but if that's the price then so be it. What's the point of being with someone if they're not even happy with you? If they're faking it so they don't hurt your feelings?

It's stupid and overused, but loving someone truly is about being able to let them go. It's extremely selfish to make someone stay when they no longer want to be there anymore.

This is an idea that's hard to accept. I want to be selfish and wish the worst for someone who hurt me so badly. But the love I had for this person, it's all extremely weird and confusing. I should no longer care for him, I know..but I do and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

People process things differently. Some may strongly disagree with me and some may not. It isn't up to us to judge.

I know one day I will fully be past this and can let it go. That new people will come and go. Too not put so much of yourself into one person. To not forever be scared of something new. It's okay to be cautious but to never be cruel. To say fuck it and react however you want and not let anyone judge you for it.

Unless you're being fucking stupid.

It's alright to think of what you could've done better or what they could have done better. But never beg someone who doesn't want to stay to stay.

This is life. It's normal. Not always fair. Not always bad. Not always good either. We learn. We grow. We meet millions of people, each one important no matter how little you know them. We will hate each other, love each other, mourn, fight, miss, fuck, hug, whatever with each other..

And there's nothing we can do about it. Just something extremely hard to accept.