Jilted

A thought of fear

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

I don't want to be an adult.

Not alone.

Not without him.

He'd told me he was also scared. It had brought me comfort. We would do this together. We would. We'd make it.

Now that there's a chance I won't have him. The thought of continuing just isn't worth it. I can't continue. I don't know how. Not with out him. This is one thing I will be stubborn about. Something that we'll surly hurt me so much that I'll finally do something to end it.

It's bad. It's so bad. It's so bad.

I can't do this. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep knowing that I'll wake up to a "good morning mama"

Not waking up without it hurts. It hurts worse than the scorching hot water that hits the skin. Trust me. I've compared the two pains.

He is my light. And now everything is so dark, so empty without him. I want to do nothing but cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel. I want it to stop.
But I'm scared of that too. The not being alive part. It's not worth it I know. It's stupid to think about.

Ending your life just over a relationship.

But I'm also scared of life. I know for a fact I'm not strong enough for this world. Not alone. I never will be. That's just how I am wired. Am i meant to life like this? To be alone. Cause I can't.

It's not fair.

Ever since I graduated, I've been afraid of the real world. The thought of going to work just to barely make a living doesnt give me something to look forward to.

But i would have him. He'd be there for. We'd support each other. We'd be each others rocks. And knowing that he'd be there with me. I was able to push that fear down.

The day may be long and hard. But knowing that i would get to come home to him made it so worth it. I would walk through fire to get to him. I'd be scared. But I'd do it. It would be worth it.

He is worth it. Does he know that? Does he know how much he means to me? How much joy he brings me? He has to. If there's anything I do. I let him know how amazing he is. So when I tell him I feel bad about him not telling his parents. And he feels like an ass for it, which he is, but I don't even. Cause he's so amazing, handsome, smart, stubborn, an asshole, and loving that I'd go through it. I'd go through so much pain for him. Because he's worth it.

He gave me so much. I planned to return the favor. I don't know how. But whatever he needed. I would have found ways to do it for him.

That's how important he is. And i hope he understands that's why i can't just walk away. That's why I beg for him to take me back.

I need him. I do. Maybe someone else will come along. But starting over would be so painful. The thought of it makes me just want to...give up completely.

I am scared of being without him. Of being alone. Of not having him. I am so fucking scared. I'm scared of ending my suffering because i don't know what will happen. I'm scared of leaving my family. But I'm scared of hurting so much more.

Is it really that selfish of me to just want to stop all the pain? Of ending my fear.