Jilted

A thought of memories

My head hurts. I try to close my eyes and sleep. At 5 am when I awoke, I went to my parents room.

I wanted my mom so bad. I wanted to cry in her arms. For her to hold me. I didn't though.

I knocked on my parents door. Im way too old to sleep in the room with them. But I just really need my mom. They told me to hold on. I went back to my room.

Should I send him more TikTok? We agreed that I could. But does he actually want me to? I did anyway. Not the ones I wanted to send. The ones I'd normally send him and him the same with me. The ones with the picture and you swipe until it says "your the best person I know"
Some came up that fit perfect for the situation, that explained exactly how I felt. Normally I'd send them. No matter how cringy they were. I always sent them.

But now it's different. If I send them now he'll be annoyed. Does he even watch them? Does he just click the on the Dm only to get rid of the notifications? I'm not sure. But I send him some anyway. I sent them to all of my friends. But I looked for the ones that would probably make him laugh. I found only a few funny. I'm laughed at only one. A small chuckle that hurt to do.

Eventually my mom came into my room. I hasn't expected her to. I wanted to go in hers. I'm so tired of being in my room.

She told me she had to work today.

Fuck.

No no no. I couldn't go another day without her. "Your dad will be here." She reassured.

No. No. That will not work. He's not good with these things. I needed my mom. I needed the comfort of knowing she's here. I had not cried at all since she came home. Although I wanted to. I tried to willed myself away from it.

I needed to get a job. Distract myself. But I just don't have the motivation. Anything I do from here on out. I don't want to do. Not without him. Not without the privilege of telling him about it. Of having something to talk about.

I only wanted to talk to him...

Why had it that been such a bad thing? I miss him so much. Only day two. But I miss him so so much. Why can he not understand that. Why can he not care.

Please I beg you to care. To care for me like you've always done. Just care baby. Please. That's all I wanted. I just wanted you.

So many plans we made. And thinking about doing that with someone else. I can not stomach it. I can't.

My mom climbed into bed with me. I had to move my junk around.

"Why do you have so much stuff in your bed." He'd ask me. I'd give an innocent smile, crawl over to him. Huddle up in his arms and said "I don't know. It's just easier to reach. I'm so lazy."

"Yes you are." He'd laugh. Probably say something about my fucked sleeping schedule. He'd say "when we live together I'm helping you sleep at night."

"Or I'll keep you up all night." I'd respond. A wicked, exotic message behind my words.

God he was so perfect. The way he'd touch me. No one had ever done it right. The way he's kiss me. The way his tongue would fight with mine. The things he'd whisper in my ear. The way he'd fuck me until I was dumb. The amount of days of school is missed because of him. He could never keep his hands off me.

I began wearing dresses because he liked how I looked in them. I hated dresses. Hated how exposed my arms were. But the day he fucked me in a dress. Oh, I didn't care. Only his opinion mattered. I'd wear a dress everyday if he wanted me too. He'd worn me out. He'd made love to me. He was wonderful.

He'd grabbed some part of me and would go "squish". It was annoying that he'd play with my little stomach. But at some point, I stopped caring. I found it funny because of the sounds he'd make. He didn't care that I was a little chubby. And there were these moments where he'd just zone out. And he would look so precious. I caught it on video once.  I could stare at him for a lifetime and never get bored.

He'd do things for me even when he didn't want to. I was especially grateful for that. Couldn't tell me no. Spoiled me rotten. I'm not sure I did it right. But I hoped I'd shown him much I appreciated him.

He took care of me. I could relax and not think with him. He made me feel so safe. He'd warm me up when I was freezing cold. Let me play in his hair. He'd even let me hold him sometimes.

Nothing will be better than him. Nothing. No guy would ever come close. And he knows that. He knows. He'd said it to me so many times. Which is why I never wanted to let him go.

He was an angel with a demon's personality. Not holy at all. Not even a little bit. Gosh...i don't want to let him go. He's mine. He is all mine.

He was all mine.
I didn't like to share him. Not even with his mom but, oh well. He was still mine. And I was content to be his. Happy to give him everything.

I just do not understand what went wrong?