Jilted

A thought of accepting

Because I love him. I should let him go. I should. I want him to be happy.

I don't want to be a burden. I don't want that. I love him too much to do it. But I'm just so selfish that i don't want to let go.

Is it wrong for me to want to give it another shot? I don't think so. Even my mom told me to talk it out with him.

But when I do, i can tell that he isn't there anymore. He doesn't care anymore. Not like he used to.

It will hurt so bad. But maybe i will just set him free. If I beg him to say, it would probably be like bringing the body back from the dead but the soul has already left.

Has our soul left? Are we really done for? Nothing else?
You said as much. You were always the wise one. I'm the crazy one. You were rational. You thought things through. You could make the hard decisions. And perhaps I should let you.

I still don't think I can do this by myself. I know i never will. I will never be as strong as you. That's why i admired you so much. I always wondered how you were so strong. I know you kept everything in. But still. How can you just find the motivation in life? How can you will yourself to keep going even though it's so hard?

I really wish i was more like you. More hard headed. You would probably eat an entire thing of pizza if someone said you couldn't. Just to prove them wrong. What type of person does that?

You.

God I love that about you. I really do. Im going to miss it.

But can I be honest and selfish?

I don't want you to be happy if it's not with me. I don't. I want you to need only me. To breathe for me like i do for you. I want to be your everything just like how you are to me.

I care that i make you feel bad. But i don't care that leaving would probably make you better. Cause I know we can be happy. We always were. I know we can get through.i don't care if we scream at eachother until we're hoarse. As long as it was with you. I could do be it.

I don't care how selfish it is. I do but i don't you know?

I just wanted you. But, it's wrong of me.

I was always the nicer out of the two of us. And the most pathetic.

But i think...I'll leave you be. I just don't know if I can keep going though. I really don't want to. I'm so tired. Really i am. Still i haven't been able to sleep.

It's so pointless to keep begging you. So I'll try to let you go. I'll try to hate you cause that's the only way I can ever be fine.

I think I accept that you don't love me anymore. I think. It's so scary. And I remember all of our good times. And I think I know where it went wrong. But i cannot keep feeling like this. I can't. I don't feel like going through the healing process especially in case I find someone else and it happens again.

I could never love anyone like I loved you. I would ruin future relationships to be with you. I'd ruin myself to be with you. But you don't deserve that. You don't. I know. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.