Jilted

A thought of Dreams

I used to love that my dreams were extremely vivid. My mind was so creative that it felt as if I was looking through the eyes of another person.

Not many people have this ability. I used to think I was lucky for it. I'd brag about it even.

Notice how I say used to.

I don't understand why it happens or how to stop it. I could try a hundred ways to keep my brain busy, but when I surrender to sleep, the control is out of my hands. My dreams would go to the deepest part of my mind and find something to create.

I've mentioned my dreams of him before, how I said they didn't bother me as much anymore. Which is true...

Honestly, now it's annoying. I hate them. It's not as if I'm thinking about him every second. Or yearning for him to return all the time. I a trying to move past it.

How does one move past something like this? By busying themselves? But once they're finished being busy and they have that one time of silence, how do they stop themselves from thinking about it then?

Do I move on to the next person? I don't want to do that. I don't want the next person. I don't particularly want the old person either. I'm okay with being single for the time being...with an occasional dicking down on the side.

My dreams, something that once gave me creative ideas for stories now only remind me of the abandonment I faced and am scared to face again. That's what they are most of the time if I'm lucky to just not dream at all.

I know why it happens. I just don't understand why it happens.

Why are we wired this way? Why do our brains have so much power to create things that we have no control over? If I'm trying to bury something, why dig it up in my dreams?

...Is it because I'm trying to bury it instead of moving past it? But how do I differentiate the two? I don't understand. I think I'm too young to understand, that this is my time to figure it out.

Do I start by admitting all the feelings I deny? Not sure what good that would do me. Perhaps I should set a goal for myself and complete it. That sounds nice. I know at the end I'll figure something out, or I'll crash and burn.

Whatever I do, I just want it to help my dreams. Help keep them safe again. That was my special place and it's so full of all the things I fear. I used to find peace in sleeping. Now there's no peace whether I'm awake or asleep. So what other safe place is there for me to go?