don't leave (l.h)

Epilogue.

I didn't have a choice that day. I couldn't choose if I wanted to slip or not. But here is my thought's before I fell: Luke.

I remembered every part of him, from top to toe. His voice and laughter. I remembered the way he never spoke bad about anybody and I remembered how he would never to anything bad to anybody. So i remembered what happened.

Luke didn't push me, no one except me did. I was a bitch who took him for granted. I should have let him be with me. I never should have let him leave. God, I loved him.

I was going to forgive him, if I survived. When I lied there, helpless and bloody on the floor, the only thing I thought about was: "If I survive, I will forgive him. I will love him
eternally and passionate. I would never cause him pain."

I wasn't even in the picture. Nothing about me was important. Not at that second. But then things changed. I lied in the hospital and there was nothing to do but think. And think clearly.

He would be better without me. I was a mess, like my mother. Hell, my mother wasn't even at the hospital that night that I died. She came after. After, when she had sobered up and could think.

I sometimes believe that I could look back down at Luke and see him smile, that what I did was the right choice. Now I can only see him cry himself to sleep every night, praying to God that I will come back. I wont. And I realize what I did was a big mistake, I shouldn't have let go.

I thought I did it for him, but I was selfish. I did it for me. I did it because of the pain that my parents didn't care enough for me, I thought I'd be better off. They didn't need me, I didn't need me. But Luke did. And I didn't see that. I was too blinded by my pain of living that I never saw his pain of me dying. I should have opened my eyes. I should have looked closer. It was a one second choice, and I picked the wrong one.

Maybe this is what I deserve, not to live in a world where I only do harm. But why is it so unfair? Why let me have the way I wanted, why couldn't Luke pick for me? He would have picked the right choice. I would have stayed with him and he would have been happy.

Instead he quit on his dreams.

"Luke, I know you're sad, I am too, but you have to let go. It's been 5 months now, you can only be happy if you do something you love. Follow your dreams and be the rock star you always wanted to be. Hope would be proud." Ashton said one night.

"Hope was my dream." Luke had answered him.

I know what Luke said wasn't true. I know it was only his broken heart speaking. Sooner or later our relationship would have been wasted and Luke would have moved on. The chance of us living together forever was small, Luke knew that. We would probably had broken up the next two years. But Luke didn't know that then. He blinded himself by his grief and told himself I was it. But I wasn't. I was not his dream when he was 10 and he played back home on his guitar. I didn't even exist in his world back then. Luke had forgotten about his real dream, the one he had fought for. And it was all my fault.

I hated myself for it. I tried to stay away from him, I broke us up, to keep him safe. Not to hurt him. But instead, that is just what I did.

I don't know what was going on with me. I can see myself sitting in my room cutting myself on paper over and over again, but for what? Attention? No, I never showed it for anyone, hell my parents didn't even live with me. They didn't even see my face. I had nothing to hide in my own home, cause I was alone.

Alone, that may be the reason for everything. I've never felt really loved by my parents, they always fought and didn't have time for me. When I cried or got hurt they always yelled at each other for not looking out for me, instead of asking me what was wrong or how I felt. They never laid an eye on me except when they tried to be polite in front of others. They said that they cared about me, I don't know if they meant it. Jesus, why did I even have to hide Luke in the first place? It's not like they cared anyway.

They let me down and they betrayed me, maybe I was scared of being betrayed again. Not by luke, but myself. So when my parents left I guess this voice inside me told me that all of this was my fault and I didn't deserve to be known as a good person.

This was a small town, if people knew what strange things I did, my reputation would have been bad. It surprised me that no one talked about it. Or maybe they did, I just never left my house.

-

"Uhm..." He hesitated, was he really doing this? He must be insane. Luke ran a hand through his well-cut hair and, for a second, laughed for himself. "Hope, I know you liked my quiff, I did too. Really, I just- it was time for a change. Don't you think?" He paused as if he waited for an answer, she was quiet. So quiet. Her small hands were firmly placed on her stone cold stomach, her hair beautifully brushed and the make up almost made her look alive if you looked quickly.

"What a psycho, huh? Dressing you up so pretty and everything for your own funeral." He waited again, but the silence was all that could be heard. "I found this, when we were going through your stuff in your room," he smiled, the lump in his throat thickining. "It's the choker I bought for you, do you remember? Yeah. I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to have it myself but again, I bought it for you." His eyes watered as he leaned down and hooked the choker around her neck, the silver moon hanging down her pale skin. A tear touched her cheek. He kissed it lightly, the cold stinging his lips.

And the tears formed faster in his eyes, he was crying over the girls body. "What am I doing?" He sobbed, if he asked himself or the girl he wasn't sure of. "Hope, don't leave me, please! Please don't leave me all alone in this cold world. You will never be able to hold me warm in the winter or hold me in your arms when I'm tired or sad. I will never be able to touch your soft hair or kiss your pale lips." His voice cracked, the tears streaming down his face. "I love you, Hope, so why did you leave me?"

-

If I could have chosen that day, the choice would have been easy: Luke.