don't leave (l.h)

18.

I sat on the cold white clinker floor in my bathroom. I couldn't see, it was all too blurry. What have I done? I pushed him, I never should have done what we did. He never wanted to. The blood that was in contrast with my pale skin had fallen to the floor. I am not worth him, that's what my mind is telling me. This voice. It says:

You're no good. You're not worthy. Do it! No one will care. And the thing that frightens me is that the voice is my own.

I know it's right, I mean it's me. I know what's best for me, right? And if even myself is telling me I'm nothing worth then it has to be the truth. Because who would lie like that to themselves? You promised him! I swallowed hard. You lied, you're not worth him! Do it, Hope! What are you else gonna do? No one wants you and you know that! I screamed, I screamed because I was scared.

"Go away!" I screamed, "Get out of my head!"

The voice kept on talking, saying the same things and it drove me insane. I screamed so loud. And when I stopped, it stopped. It was gone, just like that. Poof.

I thought I would be happy. But this voice -my voice- had followed me for a week since what Luke and I did. And now that it was finally gone I felt... Empty. I had to shut the emptiness out so I got in the shower.

The pouring sound of water hitting hard to the ground and surrounding my body, was like a relief. It wasn't quiet anymore, the white sound made me calm. I let the water flood over my cuts, causing the water around my feet turn into a faded red color. It stung while the warmth hit them. How could I let this happen? I led him to do something he didn't want to. Who ever wanted to love me like that? I'm not lovable.

I stepped out of the shower as I had shampooed my hair and cleaned my body. I stood in front of the mirror, my wet hair hanging over my face.

Hope, don't look at yourself.

"You're back..." I said softly.

I was never gone. I was always here, Hope. We are the same.

I shook my head rapidly. "I'm not like you. You're a monster, you're hurting me."

I'm not hurting you, Hope, you are. I am you.

"I would never do that!" I raised my voice, staring at my own reflection. It was like watching someone else. A stranger.

You are. You do it because you're not worth better.

"Go away!" I screamed again! "Get the hell out of my head!" I shouted, I threw the stuff that was standing on the bathroom counter to the floor, causing some of the stuff to break. I stared at it with wide eyes. Glass splitters around my feet, i didn't move.

Look what you did.

"Shut up!" I screamed. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I walked out from the bathroom and into my bedroom, careful not to step on any glass. Not that it will make a difference.

I avoided my reflection, I threw the towel to the ground and put on some clothes. I looked to my phone. It was ringing. I walked over to it. It was Luke. I didn't answer. And when I didn't answer, a few minutes later I heard knocks on the door. I pushed myself to the wall, hiding from the window.

"Hope! I know you're in there! Please open." I held my breath, I couldn't go down there. "I have to leave!" he shouted.

Leave? Why is he leaving? I had to see him, even how much I hated it. I went down the stairs and opened the door.

"Hi, I just took a shower." I said, trying to stay casual. He nodded his head.

"Hey. I just came to tell I'm leaving for L.A today." he said.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Wasn't that after school?" I said.

"Change in plans." he smiled. I nodded my head slightly.

"What about finals?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I will miss them."

"Luke, you can't afford that. Are you really going to blow up your future." I said. I wasn't sure why I was so protective. I wanted him to leave so I couldn't hurt him.

"If I do this, Hope, this will be my future." he said.

I nodded that I understood, I didn't want to argue with him. And when we stood there quiet and just breathed I felt like leaving him was the hardest thing ever. Cause even if he was just quiet, I felt afraid. But what about when he is gone?

Then he spoke up. "Why haven't you called." he asked me.

I swallowed hard. "I had to think." I lied, partly. "About us." He nodded his head.

"Well, are you done thinking?" he asked. I nodded. "And?"

"Yes." I said.

"Yes?"

"I think this will work." I lied. "I want to be with you." but I can't.

A smile appeared on his lips. He pulled me in to a hug, and rested his chin on my head. "I will miss you." he mumbled as he kissed my head. I rested my head on his chest, I felt my eyes burn from the hot salty water that ran down my cheeks. I swallowed the saliva in my throat.

He pulled back and stared at me. He let his thumbs dry my cheeks. A gentle smile on his lips. He looked so beautiful, and all I wanted to do was to hold him forever.

"It's only a week, Hope." he said.

"I know." And I did know something, something he didn't know. I knew that that one week will not be one week, it will be forever. Because after that I have to give him up. He needs better. I am not worth him and he is not worth me. That is why I am crying, because I know this will be the last time we hug before the huge fight we will probably have.

Then he pulled me in again, just holding me like that. And I wanted to stay like this for how long I could. I looked up at him, at his blue eyes. They looked so warm despite their cool color.

"I will miss you too." I said. And he leaned in only to place a soft kiss on my lips. And not moving a muscle he let our lips touch for a couple of seconds before he let go.

"I should go." he said, quietly. I nodded my head, the tears welling up. But I pushed them down. He opened the door and walked out. I saw him as he walked back to his house. He turned around and waved. I just smiled tragically. And when he turned back again, I knew this was my last good memory of him. His broad shoulders and grey beanie, walking away from me.

a/n

IM SO EMO RN

guyssss,, u probably hate hope rn im sorry i am so sad bc i rlly love huke and aww this is so hard i can't

oh and sorry that this was so short

ily tho :))