don't leave (l.h)

15 (part two)

I dropped my things on the floor in my room, no one was home and I walked straight in to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I figured that if I do it know, I have more time to clean up the mess. I knew exactly where everything where and I just took it out and got on with it. The blood that was dripping down on the sink formed long stripes. I didn't look at it, I focused more on the blood that was falling of my cut and I looked at my arms. There was more than ten cuts on each of my wrists and more if you count the ones that had faded a little. The first ones. I had started to wear my jacket inside more, even if it became more warmer outside. I wanted to hide them, of course, and the only times I didn't use it was when I slept or used sleeved shirts. I put the blade aside and then started washing of the blood. I took a bandage and wrapped it around my wrist. Then I just cleaned up the bloody mess and threw away everything. I tossed some clean paper towels in the trash-can only to hide the bloody ones. I walked out to my room, feeling like a little weight had lifted of my shoulders. I knew this couldn't take away everything, it never did. But at least I thought about the pain, and it always ended with me crying. As I lied in my bed crying a couple minutes later, the blankets covering up my body and arms, my door knocked and my mom walked in.

"What's going on?" she asked, she crouched down in front of me. I could see that it took some effort for her to sit still. As she talked I felt a breeze of an alcoholic smell in my nose. I just hid myself more under the cover and she placed a hand on my back. "Honey." she said, starting to pull at the covers. I was only wearing a t-shirt and I didn't want her to know.

"Mom, stop it!" I demanded her. She gave me a lazy smile and then blinked a few times.

"Are you gonna tell me what is going on?" she said, suddenly her voice changed to a more harsh one.

"No, just go away." I mumbled. She shook her head maybe a little too fast and then tried to stand up. She succeeded after using too much effort than what was actually needed, (if she would have been sober).

I looked over at her now, she had folded her arms over her chest dramatically and was now staring down at me. I sat up, pulling the blanket around my shoulders and covered up my whole body like I was sitting in a tent with an open roof. A tear fell down my cheek and I dried it with my covered hand.

"You wanna know?" I asked her, she nodded. "Well, maybe I would have told you if you spent more time home and not out, doing what ever you are doing!" I yelled at her, referring to her drinking.

"You listen to me, I'm havin' a hard time!" she yelled back, her words more slurry than mine.

"You don't think I have one? First, my parents fight as fast as they get the chance! Then they get divorced and it turns out my mom is too "hurt" to handle it so she starts drinking, leaving me alone every fucking day. But you wanna know something? I don't think that you are hurt, you're just playing. You and dad stopped loving each other a long time ago, but you know what? I still love you, but you never saw that... You two were too busy finding wrongs in each other you didn't even notice me! And the worst part is that dad know's what he did and you don't. And still I'm stuck here with you!" As I stopped, my breathing was heavy and I stared wide eyed at her. I thought there was nothing more to say when she opened her mouth. I knew she was drunk but the words hurt so much.

"If you think your dad is so great, then why don't you just move there? I don't want you anyway!" she slammed the door shut and I started blank at it.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST!" I shouted back to her, where ever she was. I didn't know where she'd gone, if she was even home, but I just wanted to be the last one speaking. And I started screaming. Throwing the blanked to he ground and just curled up in a ball on my bed.