"Co-parenting. We will be co-parenting. No beyond that." She said it with conviction.
I swallowed hard. I have already expected this but hearing it personally from her is so far different from what I have expected. Mahirap pa rin pa lang tanggapin kahit alam ko na.
I breathed in deeply as I controlled my emotions. This is fine. This should be fine.
But no it's not. Hindi ko mapigilan na ikuyom ang kamao ko.
"What if umasa sila?" I asked her seriously.
Yes, we could establish a co-parenting relationship but I am sure the kids will expect more than this, and soon they will realize our situation and I am sure they will be hurt. Masasaktan namin sila...
"We'll slowly explain to them our situation. They will eventually understand it." Walang alanganin nitong sagot.
"I can talk to them first." She added more
Hindi ko maitago ang pagka disgusto ko sa mga sinabi niya. Pero wala akong magagawa. It sucks to be this helpless and I can't help but feel bitter.
"Do you have someone now?" I should shut up now but I can't help myself. I avoided her gaze after it.
"It doesn't matter now. Katulad ng sabi ko, ang mga bata na lang ang dapat na isipin natin ngayon. Sa mga bata ka bumawi."
She is right but deep inside me, I refused to accept all of it.
I looked at her seriously as she looked at me hesitantly after, then she breathed in deeply.
"Yesh has a health condition…" All of my personal dilemmas were suddenly gone as soon as I heard her utter those words.
"...but she is healed now. She has a hole in her heart but it's been healed for a year."
Namasa ang mata ko sa sumunod niyang salita. My daughter has a condition...and she suffered for years...without me. Wala ako ng mga panahong kailangan niya ako. Just what kind of father am I?
"So, ummm, bawal sa kanya ang mausok, sa pagkain naman okay na lahat pero iniiwasan pa rin namin ang fast food and fatty foods, as well as junk foods." She continued more and it just continued to break my heart.
I bowed my head and touched my forehead, mas lalo kong naramdaman ang panunubig ng mga mata ko pagkabasang ng kalooban ko.
"How did she get it?" It's hard to utter those words. "Did you...did you have any complications while pregnant?"
It would be the end of me if I knew that she had complications while pregnant. I couldn't imagine her anxiety as she suffered alone and as she carried the twins for nine months. That was just too much!
I looked at her hoping for a positive response but she avoided my gaze. May lalo akong kinabahan sa pag iwas niya. "Wala naman...she got it from me. Hereditary."
And her next sentence made me stand up from my seat. Yesh possibly got it from her? I didn't know she had a health issue?! I was her fucking boyfriend!
"Fuck! We were in a relationship and I did not know about it at all...and I was smoking too!" My voice shakes from too much disappointment and anger for myself.
Mas lalong hindi ko matanggap ang bagay na ito. It is unreal!
"It is all fine now...we just need to be carefull with her environment." She looked at me calmly.
No. I am at fault here. Malaki ang pagkukulang ko sa kanya at sa mga bata. At kahit pa siguro nandito na ako sa tabi nila, hindi na non mapupunan ang mga pagkukulang ko.
