wildest dreams | b.e

Hate me | 028

Alana's POV

Somehow.. I was kissing her again.

Billie and I agreed to not be anything more than friends with benefits, but it's been about 2 weeks since that happened, and we've made out literally 3 times since then. I can't go any further. I don't know if I'm even ready for that again, what if this is just for fun and I get attached to her? I don't know anymore.

"I can't, I'm sorry.." I pull away from her lips and put my head in my hands as I sigh.

"That's okay. We don't need to do anything more, remember?" Billie tells me.

"I know, I just feel.. bad." I exhale.

"Alana, really, it's fine." She assures me.

This shit is eating me up inside. I need to tell her.

"No, Billie. I want you to hate me again." I run my hand through my hair. "I want you to not be able to stand me, I want you to insult me and argue with me, I want you to be mean to me. I don't know why, but I don't want you like me. I don't want you to feel anything for me at all. I hate how you like me and whatever this is between us, but I don't want to. I don't fucking know what to do anymore, Billie." I start to break down, running my hands through my hair as I ramble.

"Alana, what are you even talking about?" She furrows her eyebrows.

"I don't know! I have no fucking idea, okay? Billie, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I get attached easily and I don't want to and I can't. I don't think whatever this is is going to work out." I shake my head.

"Lana, I promise it's going to be fine. We're just friends, right? That's all. We're okay to do this, trust me." She nods and I sigh.

"I just don't know how to feel at peace with you when we used to hate each other. I feel like no matter what, it's always going to be something bad between us." I shrug.

"We can take this slow and it's not like we're dating. If you want to and are ready to do more, we can, but if you're not, then don't push yourself. I do like you, Alana. I don't know if I'd call it feelings, exactly, but I do." She tells me.

"Okay." I say quietly.

"For right now, let's just be friends, okay? We don't have to be close or any of that shit, just friends, alright?" She says and I nod.

"I'm gonna head home, I think." I tell her.

"Why? Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah, I'm good. I just need.. space right now, I'm sorry." I frown and she shakes her head.

"It's okay, I totally understand." She says.

"Thanks, Bil." I say and she gives me a smile.

"Bye, Sharky boy." I say in a baby voice to Shark as I pet him when I get up to leave.

He wags his tail and I laugh softly. "Bye, see you later." I wave to Billie as I walk to the door.

"Bye!" She calls out to me.

I walk to my car and get in. As soon as I shut the door, I hit my head against the steering wheel. "Ugh, this shit is so confusing. Why the fuck is Billie so chill about this?" I say out loud to my self. It's like she doesn't even care how I feel, she just wants to make out and shit. I get she said we can be friends, but she doesn't know if she wants more than that, but tells me we can still kiss or whatever? Like what?

She's so hard to read sometimes.

~

I unlock the door to my apartment where I'm greeted by Rocky. I turn on the light to see someone sitting in my living room. "Jesus, what the fuck, Olivia?" I say as I notice it's Liv.

"What? You said I could come over anytime and gave me a spare key. I was bored and came over while you weren't home cause you have better snacks at your place." She shrugs as she pops a piece of popcorn she's eating into her mouth.

"Yeah, make yourself right at home." I say sarcastically and laugh.

"Oh, I have." She smiles proudly. "So, you were with Billie right?" She asks and I nod.

"Liv, I need to rant. I want Billie to hate me again. I know, it sounds weird. But hear me out." I start and she hesitantly nods. "I feel like she's using me or something.. like she said she thinks she has feelings for me a few weeks ago, but now she's not sure if they're 'feelings'? And I kept telling her that I don't think this is gonna work out, but she kept saying it was fine and shit. The problem is is that Finneas told me she's talking to her ex boyfriend again. What if I'm just this stupid thing for fun?" I pace back and forth in the living room as I speak.

"Damn, that's a lot." Her eyes widen. "That bitch better not hurt my best friend or I'll throw fucking hands." She says.

"I don't know what to do!" I groan. She places the bag of popcorn to the side and pats the spot next to her on the couch. I walk over and sit next to her and she wraps her arms around me. "Do what feels right, okay? You'll figure it out, Lan. You deserve to be happy no matter what." She gives my forehead a kiss. (Platonically, of course.)

"Thanks, Livie." I smile at her.

"Of course. Now scoot over. I'm binge watching this new series and it's good as fuck. Watch with me!" She says, unpausing the TV as she starts eating her popcorn again.

"I don't even know what's happening." I laugh. "Catch me up."

"Okay, so basically..."

She's such a great best friend.

holly speaks 🤍

random chapter but i had this idea in my notes a while ago so whatever 🤷🏼‍♀️

anyways byeeee