Take A Risk [Englot]

Chapter 14

I woke up on Sunday morning, feeling all kinds of tired, when Miles came into bed with me, singing a silly song from school. I took him in my arms, trying to gather strength from our hug. We shared breakfast while Mew went for a run. My mind was all over the place. I was sad to wake up without Engfa and I was already anxious about tomorrow when I would be back to work. Under the shower I pictured the life we could have together and I cried. I was lost. Could I leave Mew? What consequences would that have on Miles' life? I couldn't help but think that he was still too young to spend time without both his parents... My own parents had a divorce and I remember really well how it had affected me, even though I was older... What would Mew's family and mine think about me if we were to go through divorce? Mew did nothing particularly bad... My love for him just... faded away.

I needed to stop thinking about all this for now. I needed time alone to get through my thoughts, I needed to see my therapist and maybe to talk about it to my closest friends after. I spent the afternoon playing with Miles, lying on the living room carpet, Lego bricks all around us. We started building his present from New York together, he seemed really happy with his little Lady Liberty. As soon as it was complete, he stood up and put it on the tv cabinet.

"Can we put it here, mom?"

"Well, yes. But don't you want to have it in your room?"

"No, if I put it here you can always remember your trip to New York! And maybe someday you will take me there?" he said with a smile.

I felt my heart sink in my chest. The little brick figurine was now a souvenir of the moments I had shared with Engfa. I would see it everyday, reminding me of what I did, trapping me between sorrow and guilt.

When Mew joined me in our bed that evening, he snuggled against me and his hands started to wander. My whole body shuddered but not in a good way. I felt nauseous. I usually didn't mind him touching me, even if I wasn't in the mood at first, most times he would find a way to make me feel aroused. Maybe mostly because we weren't having sex a lot, like most parents and "old" couples would. I used to reject him when I was feeling really down, tired or angry at him. But that night, I almost felt sick.

"Sorry, I feel really jet lagged. I need to sleep or I will not be able to work tomorrow." I said, trying to sound convincing.

Mew let go and rolled over without saying a damn word. I knew I wasn't helping but Mew has always been like this. Whenever something was bothering him he wouldn't say a thing. We ended up fighting when it was all too much and he would snap at me for some ridiculous thing. He couldn't never really talk to me about his feelings and with time I guessed that was also part of what made me feel disconnected from him more and more. All of this got clearer when I started seeing my therapist. He guided me on a path to get to know myself, what I could deal with and what I shouldn't. Mew being almost uncommunicative was one of the things that I couldn't get around anymore. I didn't talk that much about our relationship with my therapist but I could really see the similarity with other situations I had to deal with. My next appointment was in 8 days and I was already pondering if I should talk to my therapist about Engfa and I... One thing was for sure, I didn't get enough sleep that night, between really being jet lagged and my tendency to overthink...

When I arrived at work on Monday morning I was so damn stressed out. I didn't know what was worse, wanting to see Engfa because I had missed her or being unable to greet her like I would have wanted to, being unable to touch her, to kiss her... I went straight to my office and sat at my desk, forcing myself to get into work mode as soon as possible to calm my brain. I was checking my inbox when the door opened.

"Charlotte!" Heidi screamed, running towards me, hugging me forcefully.

I was happy to see her. This hug helped me feel a little bit better, as I knew Heidi would always be by my side, whatever the decisions I could make in life, she was always there to support me. She was already working here when I started my job at MOCA almost seven years ago. She befriended me right away, making me feel welcomed. She showed me the ropes and helped me in every way she could. She was devastated when I announced that I was pregnant with Miles because she wouldn't see me at work everyday for 5 months. Of course she cried a lot when he was born, and even more when I asked her to be Miles' godmother.

I was really happy to have found Heidi on my path. My two other best friends were not really living in Bangkok right now. Marima went to live in Japan around the time that I got pregnant, following her husband and his carrier. We would meet once or twice a year, when she would come back to Bangkok to see her family. Last year we traveled to Japan and Miles was so happy to see his Auntie Myma as he liked to call her. My other best friend from childhood, Aoom, was a model traveling all around the world with her girlfriend Meena. We were all talking fairly regularly online but when something happened to me, Heidi would always be the first to know about it.

"I can't wait to go out tonight! I wanna know everything!" she said, dancing around when she finally let me breathe.

"Heidi, I can't tonight. I just got back and I have to pick up Miles from school."

"Oh..." she replied, not even trying to hide her deception.

"But we could go tomorrow. I'll go pick up Miles play with him for some time and I'll meet you when Mew comes home?" I offered, trying to smile and hide what I was feeling.

But Heidi was having none of my bluff. She knew me too well.

"Is it already this hard to pronounce his name?" she asked bluntly.

I looked down. I didn't want to cry at work.

"Oh, no, Char, I'm sorry! I'm stupid, I should have thought before speaking..." she said, hugging me again.

She rocked me gently as she apologized again.

"I should have known better than going straight for the hard questions. I won't do it again, I swear. We'll talk whenever you're ready." she kissed the top of my head and left for her first guided tour of the day.

I focused on whatever it was that I had to do that day, locked up in my office. No sign of Engfa nor emails from her. During our lunch break I made a really unnecessary detour by the hallway that led to her office. It was empty, like she wasn't here at all today. I started to worry but I didn't dare to send her a text.

The next day was Tuesday, my least favorite day. And this one was as bad as it could get. Engfa didn't show up at work either. I had forwarded her a few emails but she never replied. And when I thought the day couldn't get any worse, Mew texted me that he would be back home quite late because one of his coworkers was retiring and they would go out tonight. I texted Heidi to cancel our plan, asking if she was free on Wednesday night.

H🌟 : I'm always free for you, Char! 🫶

Mew came home quite drunk that night. He was never great at handling alcohol and I heard him bang into almost every piece of furniture that we had, waking Miles in the process. The next morning I was quite mad at him. First for ruining my plans with Heidi, second because he woke us up at 3am and third because he had left most of his stuff scattered all around the house. When he saw that I was angry he put on his victim's face which made me even angrier.

"Don't! You always play the victim when I'm mad! You never take responsibility and you make me look like I'm hysterical. I can't deal with this anymore!"

Miles arrived in the kitchen, with his baseball hat covering most of his face, as he was learning to get dressed by himself.

"Why are you yelling, Mommy?"

I didn't answer. I put his hat correctly, straightened his jacket and took my stuff. We got out of the condo and walked to school.

"Is Daddy grounded?" he asked.

"No, Miles. Don't worry, honey. Let's go to school." I replied, squeezing his little hand in mine.

It was the third day with no sign of Engfa. I was really worried now. I needed to know if she was ok and I needed to unwind a little. I went to HR to ask about something that I didn't need and used this opportunity to ask about Engfa's whereabouts. The assistant explained to me that she had taken a few days off because of some family matters. I sighed, feeling kind of relieved, knowing at least that she wasn't sick. I texted Mew, asking him to go pick Miles from school today. He didn't dare to say no after what happened last night.

Heidi and I got off work around 6pm and went straight to our favorite place in town. We ordered drinks and sat in our usual spot in comfy chairs.

"So..." she started, hesitating.

"I'm ok to talk, Heidi. I'll tell you about New York first. We'll get to the hard stuff after..."

"Yes please, tell me the story of how you came to bang out boss." she said, putting her head in her hands, her elbows resting on the table. She looked like a little girl eager to listen to her bedtime story.

I told Heidi what happened between Engfa and I during those three days. Heidi had told me a long time ago that she was bi. She wasn't one to settle and prefered having fun with guys and girls alike. So knowing that I had a crush on Engfa made us closer in a new way over the last year. Telling her about my first time with a woman made her remember about hers and she seemed so happy for me.

"Come on, Char, I need to high five you!" she said, raising her hand up.

I obviously complied even though I was somewhat confused.

"Why do we need to high five?"

"Girl, you had sex with a woman for the first time. For what you've told me it seems like you handle it pretty well. You didn't get scared or anything..."

"Heidi, I'm 32... Pleasure is pleasure, no matter the gender, no?" I said, quite serious.

"Well, of course it is. But first times can be nerve wracking. And you got through it like a champ!" she seemed really proud of me.

"She made it easy, I guess. We didn't just jump onto one another from nowhere..."

I told her about the way she cared for me, the light flirting moments, then the teasing at the bar, the way she cornered me in the bathroom before we had mind blowing sex.

"Oh my god, wait what? Stop, right there. She cornered you inside the bathroom?" Heidi's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Well yes... I thought she was mad when I admitted that I had a wet dream about her during the flight..."

"CHARLOTTE, WHAT THE HELL?"

"Don't yell..." I said, blushing when some people looked at us.

"You dreamed about her during the flight?"

"Yes... I had my head on her shoulder... She heard me mumble in my sleep but she only woke me up because we had to fasten our seatbelts for landing." I explained.

"So she knew you had a thing for her..." Heidi, squinted her eyes, thinking.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, intrigued.

"I just don't want her to take advantage of you, Char..."

"Oh... No it's not like that. She confessed that she also had feelings for me..." I said, my smile fading away.

Heidi saw the sadness inside my eyes. She didn't dare to ask right away. Instead she put her arm around me, patting me gently on the back. I took a deep breath and I told her about how it made me feel. I told her that I had really fallen for Engfa during the trip and what transpired on the Brooklyn Bridge.

"Damn, Char... You're done for. I can tell by the way you look when you talk about her. You're in love." she said, nodding slightly.

My eyes filled with tears.

"What am I supposed to do now, Heidi? She didn't show up at work, I don't know if she's ok..."

"Did you text her?" she asked.

"Not yet. I don't know if that's a good idea." I said, wiping away my tears.

"Of course, it's a good idea. You're worried about her. You should reach out. I bet that whatever she's going through, receiving a message from you will cheer her up."

I took my phone, Heidi encouraged me some more and I started typing.

C🐰 : We missed you at work, hope you're doing ok

I didn't dare to write something more personal. We said that we had to keep it professional...

We ordered some more cocktails, as I felt the need to unwind a little more before being able to talk about my fears of the future. When the waiter was back with our drinks my phone buzzed on the table.

E🥭 : Sorry, I'll be back next week.

I was happy that she had replied. I started to relax when my phone buzzed again.

E🥭 : I miss New York...

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