Hands | DNF

33.

I get in my room and get dressed. I finally lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling. It was amazing how a little peace of metal was the source of the best feeling of comfort in the world. The all familiar pain while cutting grounding you and keeping you in reality. The amazing feeling that you seek every time, like a drug addict chasing another hit and the rush of it all. It was a euphoric feeling that made you transfer once inner suffering in real pain. Giving you control all while. I loved the feeling of the thing that many fear. Pain.

I hear a light knock on the door.

"George are you asleep?" Dreams voice came from the other side of the door like a whisper.

I rush and silently turn so my back is facing the door becoming still. I hear the door open and a bit after it closed. I stay still for a bit longer. Then I turn around and take a breath.

I didn't want to look at him nor speak to him. I stand up and turn off the lights leaving only the dark blue LED lights on. I get my phone, a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and open the window. I sit on the ledge and light up the cigarette. Smoking and staring at the moon not before going to spotify and playing one of my favorite songs quietly.

The Night We Met — Lord Huron

I smoke and just think about everything and nothing at the same time while also having the most beautiful view of the moon and stars.
I loved night time. The peace and quiet. The sound of the wind blowing the tree tops, the occasional orchestra of the crickets and the beautiful view of the moon and stars. Nature was breathtaking it wasn't loud or perfect but that was the beauty of it all. It was breathtaking and I found great pleasure in noticing everything about it.

I close the window and head to bed, closing my eyes and almost immediately falling asleep.

I wake up covered in sweat. I had a nightmare that I always hated it was a non-stop reminder of my childhood. It was me and David once again getting beaten by our father because we needed to learn how to be strong man or whatever.

I go downstairs and get some water from the fridge.
Just as I turn around I see Nick enter the kitchen rubbing hid eyes.

"Good morning! How are you after yesterday?" He asks

"Sap I told you already, it was nothing. I am fine." I lie through my teeth.

"George I heard you panicking and your eyes were bloodshot red. Fine my ass. You were having a panic attack. People who are fine don't self harm."

"It was so stupid tho. If I tell you, you have to promise you won't tell Clay about it. I don't want to make this something out of nothing."

"It is something if it made you cry and have a panic attack. But yeah I promise." He says softly.

"When Clay gave me his phone to play music while we were playing cards. He got a messages from Lisa and I got curious so I opened it only to read a message from clay basically saying that he has dealt with people like me and not to worry about me. The next message was him asking her how she was doing and all but the way I see it was that the person I care about the most had disregarded me as a person and reduced me to a problem. I know I am burden to all of you guys, no need to sugarcoat it. In that moment I realized once again I was just the backup option. I always have been. Never the best at something and never the one that people liked. Just second place. And you know what, I found comfort in that cause it was predictable. Than Clay came here and  I really thought maybe this time I was first or something, that text however was quick reminder that it was all just empty hope. You can guess what was running through my head when the worst thing I think about myself was also thought by the person I love."

There were tears streaming down my face. Sapnap said nothing he just stood up and embraced me in a tight hug.