NEVER

18.

the beginnings of october.

i couldn't move.

i couldn't think.

i couldn't eat.

i couldn't sleep.

i couldn't do anything but wait....

....wait till i saw him in his room.

i won't do anything till he comes back to me.

it's been 5 days and 10 hours since i last seen solace, i had no way of contacting him. the first few days, i didn't blink an eye while i searched for him....it's almost like he suddenly disappeared.

what have i done that made him leave me so easily ? did i do something wrong ? he doesn't understand that i need him....i cannot live without solace and i simply won't live if he doesn't come back to me.

my body impulsively shuddered as i tightly held solace's ragged saccharine stone cigarette box against my chest. my eyes were glued on his dark and empty room in hopes of him appearing in front of his window.

"you have to get up aina-ophelia, you've been sitting in that same spot for days...." by now, i knew sage was sick of me. everytime she stood by my door, i felt her hate for me radiating off of her.

too bad, i don't care what she thinks about me. not once did she ask what was wrong with me, she just insisted i do better.

i wish she understood me....

we'd be so much closer if she did.

"ugh, i fucking hate when you go mute....okay, do what you want. it doesn't seem like you care about your life anyway....brat." and with that she walked away, hurting my feelings like she always do.

why is everyone being so mean to me ? i never do anything yet i always end up in this situation, when will it stop ?

sniffing lightly, my eyes never left his room as i hugged my knees, hearing knocks echo throughout the apartment. i didn't move a muscle because i already knew who it was....

"aw cariña." a sad sigh escaped gisela's lips as she approached me, the bags in her hand rustling with every step she took. "did you eat the food i brought you yesterday ?"

in response, i slowly shook my head.

since solace left me, gisela's been here taking care of me with every chance she has. she doesn't have to be here with me yet she is, ruining her life because i'm ruining my life.

why am i selfish ?

"noo shh, don't cry nana." wrapping her arms around my waist, she hugged my torso tight as she sat behind me and in that moment, i knew i made a mistake when i winched lightly.

gisela pulled up my sleeve, revealing that i was self harming....again. it almost felt like an eye opener when i seen her eyes fill with tears. since i met her, she never cried. her personality was too strong, it didn't allow her to. it almost felt like a crime to know i was the one who hurt her....