NEVER

23.

i constantly pinched myself as i watched solace drive in silence. it's been 20 minutes since we've left the party and he hasn't said a word to me since....

....i just want to hold him in my arms but i have this feeling that i've done something wrong.

this is eating me alive, i cannot function like this....

it's scary to know that we were okay not too long ago now we're back at square one. it makes me think....does he really miss me ?

"solace....why aren't you speaking to me ?" i softly asked, brushing my thumb over my healing cut. "did i do something wrong ?"

"relax...." his raspy voice filled my ears as he slowed down for a red light. "i'm just....thinking about everything."

"everything ?"

"us....those fuckin' rumors--"

"why are you listening to what people have to say about us ?" i questioned, sighing lightly. i didn't know who i should be disappointed at....one thing everyone's going to do is talk so much shit about solace and he'll never ever acknowledge it, no matter how bad it is. for him to let what taj said affect him this much is so confusing to me. "why are you letting them change your mind about us ?"

"....cause' what if it's tru--"

"it's not ! it's not true solace ! taj is just trying to get under your skin and get in your head and you're letting him !" i felt my body flush with anger once my voice raised. "why are you focusing on all the stupid shit people are saying ? why can't you focus on this....focus on me ? why did you leave me all alone for that excruciating week with no explanation ? why did you lie to me in the bathroom and gave me the silent treatment right after ? why can't you acknowledge my feelings....why can't you talk to me !"

the second my rant was finished, solace abruptly presses the brakes on his jeep making the car jerk forward with force. a low yelp escaped my lips once my head banged against the seat.

"i didn't fuckin' lie aina ! don't say shit like that...." solace growled as he turned to me. "can you just think for one-fuckin-second ? don't you think this shit is hard for me just as it is for you ? i'm-i'm trying to do my best and be normal cause' i don't know how to handle this shit....i fucked up aina, i get it. i'm a fucked up nigga and i fuck everything up but have you ever stopped to think that maybe you're my fuckin' problem and cut me some fuckin' slack ?"

i felt my wide eyes swell with tears as i stared at him in disbelief.

i knew it....

he fucking hates me.

i didn't want to do this with him because i knew it was going to end this way....i knew it was all my fault yet i kept pushing the narrative. i should've done something better....i shouldn't have dumped everything on him, i shouldn't have gotten angry with him, i shouldn't  have brung it up in the first place.

now i pushed him away....the only person i've ever loved.

what do i do now, is this it ? am i alone again ?

everything i wanted to say was now  caught in the middle of my throat and suddenly, i couldn't bare being in his car any longer. i felt like a nuisance.