NEVER

21.

aina-ophelia osanai
next day, late afternoon

the sun progressively fell by the hour, turning our room golden orange....i watched in relaxation, sighing lightly.

i felt a little better but it still hurts, i didn't think i'll be able to feel this way again. i know it's not going to last so i want to savor this feeling while it's here....

....but something new inside me was lingering deep and no matter how much i try to ignore it, the feeling wont go away.

it's been a week....

i don't want to believe that he's forgotten about me but what if ? what could've i done for him to leave me and why can't he tell me ? every single day i think about how i can be enough for him and how i can make him come back to me.

gosh....i hate him.

i wanna hate him, so bad but i can't. i cannot move on, no matter how hard i tried.

i lied, i don't feel not an ounce better.

my head rested on gisela's chest as she held me in her arms, tightly. she hasn't let me go since we've been here at aunty's and every night i think about how sweet her heart is and how good she is to me, i find myself crying.

sorta like how i'm doing now....

"giselaa~" i softly croaked, looking up at her. her eyes softened while her fingers tangled themselves in my hair, gently grazing my scalp. "i love you so much...."

"i love you more cariña, i'm always here for you and you know i'll do anything for you...." my eyes lingered on her soft ones while my tears slowly rolled down my face. leaning up, the pads of her thumbs wiped my tears as i held her cheeks. i then placed a kiss on her lips.

"hey girls...." the door swung open, revealing aunty ember holding a tray of food with mi-na trailing beside her at her feet. i couldn't leave her home alone, even though she's a free-spirited cat. she gets along with everyone i get along with that's why it's easy to keep her by my side. "it's time to eat, i have lunch...." aunty boastfully announced, placing the tray of food at the foot of the bed.

"for aina, i made teriyaki tofu and shrimp spring rolls with soy sauce on the side and for gisela, i have a chicken grilled cheese sandwich with lays on the side." a small smile was plastered on my face as i watched aunty hand us our plates. i see why solace sees her as his mother, she's the most caring person on earth. she takes care of me as if i'm her child, this is one of the missing pieces i needed to fill my void.

"thank you so much aunty." me and gisela spoke in unison, watching her nod.

"you're welcome....aina, you feeling a bit better ?"

"umm....yeah." i softly answered, looking down at my black nails. i couldn't tell her what i was really feeling. whenever i confine in her, i always felt like a bother because it's the same story over and over again. i want her to see change in me....

"hm, we'll talk later....enjoy your food." as soon as the door closed behind her, i let out a small sigh that i seemed to be holding in....

"so...." gisela trailed, picking up one of my spring rolls. dipping it in the warm soy sauce, she placed her hand under my chin and fed it to me. "there's a party tonight."

"mm-mm" i immediately hummed in disapproval. i can't bring myself to get out of bed, let alone the house so bringing me to a party would be the worst idea ever. i'd ruin the ambiance and i wouldn't even enjoy myself....besides, parties aren't my thing anymore. "i don't wanna go...."

"i knew you'd say that but bas is going and he wants us to go too." if bas is there, there's not a doubt solace will be there right beside him, when you put it that way then....

mental note: ask when did her and bas get so close.

"okay....i'll go." i gave in, letting her feed me another bite. a squeal filled the room as she danced in place.

"yes ! ugh, i've been dying for a break. nana, we're gonna have so much fun."

.｡*♡*｡.

a wave of pressure washed over me as i stood in solace's room.

it's been so long since i've seen him, i'm so scared....how would i react ? i want to hate him, i want to stand my ground and teach him not to hurt me anymore but i don't have it in me, i just want to melt in his arms and cry.

sighing lightly, i drably flipped my hair out of my face and examined my outfit that consisted of solace's black oversized vetements sweatshirt, cheetah print stockings, my chrome hearts chain and lastly, on my feet i wore black chrome hearts UGGs.

i didn't do much to my face but outlined my eyes with black eyeliner to enhance my eye color and added some lipgloss. i left my hair was extremely big, wild, and curly. i haven't touched it in awhile and i don't have the motivation to do it....

i then placed solace's half smoked cigarette on my ear. having small items and clothes of his gave me a sense of security, it's was the only thing keeping sane.

"you ready cariña ?" gisela asked coming into his room. i nodded as she stood behind me, resting her head on top of mines. "make sure you enjoy yourself tonight, okay ? if you're uncomfortable and wanna' leave early, i'm down."

"tryna' stay sane is like a full time hobby..."
- the weeknd