NEVER

8.

today was finally saturday and it was the day of the party. my anxiety levels been at an all time high and it's taking everything in me not to disappear and stay home. i'll only disappoint the ones i practically made promises to and that's one thing i didn't wanna do...

right now, it was about 6:30ish and i decided to get dressed early because i had no idea on how to dress for an house party...sadly, i've been the talk of school since wednesday and if i show up in a bad fit that'll give them something else to talk about...

not....that i care though.

"what do i wear...." i softly mumbled, looking at myself in my full body mirror while no thoughts came to mind.

sighing lightly, i glanced towards gnarly's window...his room was dark. he wasn't there, i assume he left early to practice since he was performing tonight....a small smile graced my lips as memories of last night begins to cloud my mind. we spent the whole night together on our fire escapes, i read to him and he listened.

we shared a moment and honestly, it's kind of scary....i don't know, i feel like we're getting closer and normally that's unusual for me. everyone that i've ever bonded with always left so what if that happens again ? what if i made the wrong decision befriending him....or gisela ?

sigh, in the end i just know i'll get hurt.

knock

knock

knock

looking towards my door, i grabbed my robe before sitting on the end of my bed. "come in...."

"hey...can we talk ?" sage asked, peeking her head in once she opened my door. this was my first time seeing her after she disappeared all day yesterday, part of me is upset with her but i needed a clear mind today.

shrugging lightly, i pushed my hair to the back of my ears and gave her my undivided attention.

"so i've been thinking about everything...you know, leading up to now and....i'm really such a bad person. i just wanna say that i'm sorry~" as i was looking at her, everything she was saying faded...it became inaudible. i guess you can say that i didn't care about what she had to say, i'm not sure why it took her so long to apologize...it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

only one thing really mattered most...

"why ? " i spoke up cutting her off mid sentence.

".....why what ?"

"why'd you do it ? why did you always bully me when we were younger even when you knew dad used to hit and verbally abuse me ? why did you always take dad's side when he'd hit mommy or when they'll argue ? why did you leave with dad and left me and mommy at our lowest ? why do you always leave me ? why can't you ever be nice to me...." my hands slightly shook as i tightly gripped the bottom of my robe. i bit my lip, trying my hardest not to cry as bad as i wanted to....

i always used to think she hated me-hated us, i still think she hates me....i just want confirmation since the topic is already brought up.

ugh.

it wasn't supposed to be like this, i wanted to have a good day today-an antidepressant free day, it sucks. i guess i can't always get what i want.