Missing Heart

Chapter 27: Julie

If I had just gone with my gut, I could have saved Shaun... Damn it! Why did I have to chicken out!? He's dead! He's dead and It's my fault! I was so stupid for thinking I could feel better with that determination. I was so stupid for thinking there would be a better future... I have no parents... Not enough education to get a good job if we escape here because I'm still a teen, no money, no food, why don't I just kill myself already!?

"Julie, are you alright?" Martin asked me.

"Better than fucking ever!" I replied sarcastically. How could I possibly be fine!?

"You don't need to be sarcastic, you can talk to me you know? Tell me everything you want to tell me!" God he's so sweet when you get to know him!

"... I want to fucking die!".

"Oh shit!" He hugged me really tight, I could hardly breathe!

"Stop! You're choking me!". His grip loosened a little bit.

"Don't do anything stupid! I care about you, and I would hate for something bad to happen to you! I love you, Ok! Be safe!".

Oh my god I love this dude! I started sobbing so hard! I cried in his arms like some cringey disney princess!

"Come on, let's go catch up with everyone else" I opened my eyes to see everyone was really far away from us. Well, we had been stood still for a while.

"Come on lovebirds, get back here! We found an abandoned building and we're looking for food!".

Abandoned building? That sounds good!

We caught up with everyone else and explored the abandoned building. We had been walking for a while, and hadn't seen a house for a little bit. It was quite empty, perhaps the residents were moving away when it all happened?

"Wow! I only just realised how dark it is!" Shelly exclaimed suddenly.

"Yeah, you're right!" Kelly replied.

I looked out the broken window, it was dark, the moon was out. It had only been one day, but it felt like forever! So much has happened today... I'm so tired... I want to sleep.

All the lethargy hit me at once. Damn it! I was suddenly much more uncomfortable.

"I found some bread!" Nick shouted from the other side of the house. Yay! Food! Fuck yeah!

We all rushed towards him in hopes of having a nice meal.

"... No, let's eat this tomorrow for breakfast, it seems smarter" Nick told us all.

"Awh, come on! I'm hungry!" Shelly complained.

"I'm not happy, but it is the responsible choice..." Kelly moaned.

I just didn't say anything, I wasn't hungry.

"Let's continue looking," Martin said. "Julie, can you check out this room?" Martin gestured to the room behind him. It was probably the most furniture filled room here.

"Yeah, sure".

I entered the room alone, and shut the door behind me. I started looking around, under tables and inside drawers for any supplies, specifically food. I didn't find much, the only things I found was a half-empty bottle of water and some rope.

Rope...

It gave me a couple of intrusive thoughts... What if I just...

No, I shouldn't. Everyone would be upset if I left them, right? RIGHT!? They would, wouldn't they!?

No... It's not like they could love me... Kelly hates me, Nick just puts up with me, so does Shelly... The only one there that actually cares about me is Martin, but his love alone isn't enough to battle against the self-loathing I was feeling...

No, not now. Don't give up, you have too much to live for... You have people who care about you... They're just intrusive thoughts, they are not you, they are not true...

I repeated those words over and over in my head, I didn't even realise I was saying them outloud until Nick came in to ask me who I was talking to.

They're just intrusive thoughts... they are not you... they are not true...

Ok, I'm fine... I can combat this. I may feel gross and icky from not showering and running out of hand sanitizer really early, I may feel worthless and unlovable, but I can get through this... I can...

As long as nothing else happens... I don't think I could handle anything else right now...

Mother, Father, I miss you both so much...