deceit • Han Seojun x Kang Soojin

56. only love

Say I wouldn't care if you walked away
But every time you're there, I'm beggin' you to stay
And when you come close (when you come close),
I just tremble

- only love can hurt like this
(paloma faith)

56. only love

Han Seojun wanted to die.

It was yet another night of nightmares and since he took the pills, he was way too numb to react to it. He couldn't pull himself up from the sofa and he couldn't sleep either. It was another face-off with his demons and all of his tears had dried.

A sleep paralysis attack.

The doctors had given fancy names for his scary nightmares. a figment of his traumatic memories coming back to life. The cold numb hand, the bloodied flashbacks and the insanely detailed voices. He wasn't permitted to eat more than the prescribed medications and while he did try to one night - tired of this life - he was resurrected back to his cruel life.

This time he had a foolproof plan to never come back.

As he lay awake yet asleep - the voices and screaming echoed through the room. He could feel the cold hand grabbing his and he didn't have the energy to shake it off. All he could do was endure the night - it will pass.

He reminded himself that this wasn't real. None of it was. He was in the hotel room, on a sofa, and Suho was just ten feet away. Right - this wasn't real - but he couldn't stop his racing heartbeats and the chills that ran down his spine. He was sweating, his back seemed wet even then he was shivering.

Please - he muttered - please help.

But he couldn't speak either. It was in his head, even the cry for help. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he tried lifting his hand - something to get out of the nightmares - but he couldn't and for the next five minutes - which seemed like an eternity to the boy - all he did was watch his demons mock him.

They were toying with him.

He sobbed. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go to his mother and lay his head on her lap. He missed the way she'd pat his head and caressed his cheek. He missed hugging her and eating the tasty ramyeon she'd cook for him.

He wanted to go meet his sister. Pull her hair, tease her and then pacify her. Bring her all sorts of books to read and then call her a nerd. He missed goofing around with her, their late night midnight snacking and her innocent cute smile.

Just once - for once - he wanted to hug them. Tell them how much he loved them. Tell them that he didn't like it here without them. That he wanted to go back to them.

To go home.

Seojun could finally get out of the paralysis state. He touched his face - wet with tears - and his clothes were wet with his sweat. Seojun sat down on the floor - hands covering his face - he didn't have the energy to cry out loud.

He felt icky - disgusted and dirty - but he felt cold too, rubbing his arms on interval to provide some sort of comfort. Alas, his hands were just as cold as his numb mind.

So he sat on the cold floor, wrapping his arms around his knees as he lay his head on the sofa. The sleeping medication helped him doze off soon after but the lingering nightmares still followed him.

Especially that cold hand.

_

Yoon Jaehun was acting different that day. He didn't eat breakfast neither did he greet Soojin when she wished him. Even last evening - when Soojin arrived home after a day out with Jugyeong - Jaehun wasn't studying per usual. He was watching something on his cellphone and answered Soojin nonchalantly.