Comeback

~ Chapter 38 ~

Chapter 38
Saturday October 1st
Lennons POV

8 months.

8 months since Hudson passed away.

The beginning of the month used to feel like a fresh start. A clean slate from the one before. If one month wasn't going my way, it all disappeared on the first and it was time to begin again. Everything negative was shoved aside, and it was time to make the next month better than the last.

Now, it's changed. Every first day of the month is exhaustion. It's a horrible reminder. A wish that things didn't happen the way that they did. Its like wired in my brain to shut down on this day and forget about the good, to focus on the bad.

Every day I stray farther and farther away from him, and maybe that's the fault of my own. If I could get it together and visit his gravestone, would it be better? Would I live easier if I believed that could bring me closer to him again? It's like everyday he's on my mind and I'm constantly thinking of him, but he's not there.

8 months of heartbreak, sadness, and anger.

It was still hard for me to believe that the universe could do something so cruel. It's insane to me that one day someone could be living their life full of happiness and love, and the next day they're underground and only in our hearts. How could that happen to somebody? Someone who still had so much love and life left to live. A person who had babies on the way, and a wedding to plan for, and children to see go off to college? It was heartbreaking and there was nothing I could do to make it any better.

Unless I go to his grave and it magically helps.

I feel like I'm keeping myself stuck in the overburdening feelings of doubt, and sorrow, and anger towards his death. Maybe I'm holding myself back from "fully moving on" because I don't want to know what happens after that. Because how do I live in a world where I'm at terms with his passing?

That sounds like forget, and I don't want to forget him.

I stared at the picture of us on my nightstand. Two people with overgrown smiles on their face and light in their eyes. It was at a period in time between Harry's departure and Hudson's death that I truly felt that I could be happy again. I wasn't worried about being alone anymore, and I was letting myself enjoy life again.

Hudson helped me enjoy life again after Harry.

But now, I can't bring it in myself to enjoy life after Hudson.

There's chains holding me back from crossing that bridge because I don't want there to be an after. I loved Hudson. He showed me that people don't back away from their families, and that I have his support, and he showed me love in a time that I needed that love the most.

He picked me back up off my feet after Harry and I loved him for doing so.

So I don't want there to be a time where I feel like he's a person of my past.

I set the photo down when I heard the sound of babies crying. They must've woken up from their nap and time went faster than expected. Surprisingly, Theo was also napping. I was really confused about that considering Theo rarely ever wants an afternoon break anymore, but I wasn't complaining. I had two hours child free.

I went to the nursery and soothed both of the babies, satisfied when their cries simmered down and I could take them to the living room. I cuddled with the both of them as they drank their bottles, and then I played with them on the floor for a little bit.

I looked down lovingly at my growing babies, and wished that time would slow down for them. It's confusing actually, because each day feels like 7 and time inches by aching to get through them, but the twins are growing up so fast.