"Unbroken Threads: A Woman's Journey Through Hardship and Purpose"

Not The One

Love can be described as a complex combination of many different feelings. You might struggle to put your love into words, but you know it when you feel it. I thought I was in love, but I couldn't understand why it didn't look or feel like it did in TV shows and movies.

From a young age, I believed that men were unpredictable and undependable. My parents separated, mainly due to my father's infidelity. He was a rolling stone, having affairs and even fathering children outside of his marriage. My mom's new partner was a jerk, and we later discovered he was also a cheater.

I often felt angry at my dad for not being around, not paying child support, and not loving me enough to see me as much as I wanted to see him. Not having a relationship with my dad made me feel insignificant and unwanted. I blamed myself for his absence and wondered if he even loved me. Despite the love I received from my mom and family, I struggled emotionally and sought love in all the wrong places.

By age 10, I had several crushes, none of which were reciprocated. This led to early depression and thoughts like, "Why would they love me? My daddy didn't even love me." In middle school, boys were older and more interested in sex. Many of my classmates were already sexually active, but I wasn't ready and planned to wait until marriage.

In the late '80s, having a boyfriend meant talking on the phone rather than going on dates. I wasn't allowed to date, but I had boyfriends whom I talked to every day. I constantly told them I loved them just to hear it back. Eventually, they would lose interest and want more, but I was content with phone calls and would move on to someone else.

For the next five years, I had "#phoneboos" until I thought I found my true love at 17. "The One" refers to someone considered a perfect or ideal romantic partner. Justin wasn't particularly handsome, but he had a great personality and was popular in high school. He had goals of going to college and becoming a doctor, so he kept a strict schedule, leading to an on-again, off-again relationship.

Justin never officially called me his girlfriend, but in my heart, he was the one. He became my first everything. I gave up on waiting until marriage because I was convinced he was destined to be my husband. Despite him making no promises, I believed we would end up together. I spent my senior year being used without commitment, hoping he would declare his love for me. Nothing mattered more to me than him, not even my relationship with God.

Despite my sinful life, I found my way to church to get baptized. I did it out of fear of death and hell rather than love for God. I wanted to be better but didn't choose to do better, so nothing improved.

For senior homecoming, I was excited for Justin and me to go together. My family helped me get ready, but Justin was already there with another girl. I waited three hours, paging him repeatedly, even going to his house and banging on the door, but he never responded. I was heartbroken.

The next day at the movies, I met a new guy who reminded me of a young Omar Epps. We didn't last long because he got arrested, but it helped me move on from Justin. When Justin's friend asked if we were okay, I proudly said I had a new boyfriend. Unfortunately, a month later, I broke up with the new guy to go back to Justin after he begged.

I had low self-esteem and even lower expectations. Justin didn't value me, and I didn't require him to. I felt guilty and burdened by my sins but felt trapped. I saw women in my family accept mistreatment for years. My dad was a cheater, as were some uncles and my mom's new husband.I wondered if I was destined to follow the same pattern of settling for less and being drawn to men who treated me poorly. Justin was not "The One." It took me a year to realize this and another two and a half years to acknowledge it and officially move on.