"Unbroken Threads: A Woman's Journey Through Hardship and Purpose"

Where are you now?

Now that I have shared my testimony from childhood into the first ten-plus years of marriage, let me tell you where I am now. 

 I have realized that my husband wasn't taught how to love. Even in that, I will love him as God directed me to. We don't love to get love in return. We love flaws and all. With that said, I will love, honor, and support him from where I am. Hopefully, he will meet me here.

My husband and I, along with our two youngest children, live in a 4 bedroom condo in a cute little area just North of my mom's home. We have been getting along better and I have forgiven him for the things that he put me through in the past. On the one hand, I want to honor my vows but on the other hand, we have a love-hate relationship (sometimes he loves me, sometimes he hates me) so....

In the times that I feel lost, I remind myself to be thankful because God loves and I am loved. I am blessed. I am blessed in the morning, and blessed in the evening. Blessed when I wake up, blessed when I fall asleep. Blessed when I have, blessed when I have not! I am learning to be thankful during the good times and the bad. I have asked why. I have cried out in anger but it is time to release myself from the chains that have kept me bound for so many years. I realize that now.

I've been working on myself but there's one problem...

My subconsciousness is quite possibly cheating on my husband. Since my Mastectomies, my husband, Kin and I haven't had, "you know what" in "I don't know how long." I feel like he's no longer into me. So, every evening, I spend the night with the man of my dreams in my dreams. I can't see his face so I am unsure if it's my husband or not but my dreams evoke something in me that had remained dormant for far too long, love. It's always the same dream. There is no recognizable face. It's just him. Whomever he is.

Ok so, in my dream every time "he" looks in my direction he smiles an endearing smile that makes me feel like I am the best thing that he has ever seen. Like water for Chocolate. He makes a joke about something and we laugh. We call each other stupid and laugh again. We talk about God and faith, love and life lessons that we have learned, and how we can grow together. Right before I wake; he lifts me from my feet in a big bear hug and leans in and He whispers, "I love you" over and over.

The gentle rays from the sun tickle my cheek, to wake me to the day. I begin to stretch, twist, and turn. Just then, I roll over and see him. ("Just five more minutes, please!") I am awakened to reality! Stretched out next to me is Kin. My husband of exactly 15 years, 2 days, and 48 minutes.

Things are either going to get better or worse and like the vows that we have taken, we are in this through better or worse until death do us part. For that reason, I am praying that the best is yet to come.