Summer and May

Chapter Forty-Two: Summer

If anyone ever asked, I'd deny it, but finding a roommate was actually kind of fun. It was the first spark of joy I'd felt in weeks. An unexpected surprise knocked on my door yesterday afternoon, seemingly solving one of my problems, while others still loomed. I still needed to speak with May, although over two weeks apart still wasn't enough time to forgive everything. I'd also deny missing her, but it was evident to those around me that I did. I also needed to pick up my last from Dockside, and finding a time to go when May wasn't working was nearly impossible. She should buy the place considering how much she's there. Now that she wasn't going to Brown, maybe she would.

The thought made me sick; facing college without her. Finding a roommate was only a fraction of the issue. Who would I talk to between classes? Who would I attend parties with? Who would be there to pick me up when I inevitably do something stupid? 

Who was I without May?

I understood her decision about Brown, as much as I could. I knew Marjorie Everett better than anyone else, but the piece of her heart that liked fixing cars more than she liked boys, partying, the social scene... I admired her for it, but I never accepted it. Maybe it was time that I did. Perhaps fixing cars was really her way of fixing herself after her Mom passed. Perhaps it was the same as fixing me, something she's worked on for years.

I urged myself to remember that when I walked up to the Dock to grab my final paycheck. I planned on being quick on this errand, but with May bussing tables just a few yards away, that would be useless. I attempted to act nonchalant while I waited for Hannah to go back to her office, but my eyes found their way to May.

She looked different. A good different. She walked with a confidence that I hadn't seen in her yet, a strength that resembled... mine. She handed a container full of dishes over to Lena, catching a glimpse of me in the process. When she did, our expression matched one another's, like we were equally as terrified and excited to see one another after all this time.

She wasted no time marching up to me. "Can we talk?"

My eyes dragged over her. While her skin looked glowing and bronze, mine was pasty and broken out. Her eyes glimmered while mine were sunken in. She held onto courage, while mine waned. 

Is this who May was without me?

"Here?" I finally ask, shrugging my shoulders.

Hannah wistfully handed me my check, watching the both of us before walking away. Embarrassed, I started walking down the dock.

"I miss you." May said, her footsteps right behind mine.

"I didn't come here to see you, May." I said, facing the water. "I wasn't sure you'd be here at all."

"Of course I am... Without my best friend, I have nowhere else to be."

That caused me to stop in my tracks, questioning every prediction I'd made in my head since our fight. I swivel around, skeptical, trying to tame my angry subconscious. "So you're telling me you're not with Jeremy?"

May shook her head. "Not without your blessing."

I narrowed my eyes at her, unconvinced.

She sauntered towards me, death-gripping a cloth rag. "I want him, okay? After everything I've put us both through, I'm finally ready to admit that. And I'm sorry for that. I really, truly am." She took a step closer to me, resolute. "But I never want to step in the way of your happiness. Everything means nothing without you, Summer. I could never love someone else more than I love you."

Fuck. Regardless of what's happened, she is a good friend.

"Listen, May." I exhaled, trying to speak from my heart, like she was. "Jeremy and I didn't work out for a reason. I jumped in head first with him right before going off to college... I would have gotten my heart broken anyways."

Her eyes pooled with concern, but I couldn't look at her. I would forgive her right here, right now, if I looked at her for another second.

I continued on, keeping my eyes on little waves caused by a motorboat on the lake. "If you guys do get together... I'll have to learn to be okay with it." Ripples of water clapped against the dock, leaving space for our silence to sink in. "I'm still hurt. Some days, I'm still angry. I've been busy searching for a roommate because you left me high and dry. I spend my days rethinking my college experience, knowing you'll no longer be there with me... I'm still hurt, but this is a step in the right direction."

My feet led me up the dock before my mind could catch up, pacing away before she had the chance to respond. She didn't run after me, like I expected she would. When I turned back around, she was already walking back to her tables. The realization that she would be fine without me made my stomach turn sour. I had half a mind to turn back around, grab her and hug her, and tell her I missed her. I wanted to hold onto what's left of our friendship rather than be willing to walk away.

I watched her greet her guests with a smile, while my eyes welled with tears. All of a sudden, everything that's happened between us seemed so small and trivial. We've both grown this summer. We've both changed. Maybe this was meant to happen, and we needed to grow up. Maybe I depended on her too much and exhausted her. Maybe, just maybe, I was equally at fault for all that's happened.

May's eyes caught mine again, and she stilled her motions and smiled at me. I smiled back, waving at her gracefully before walking back to my car. I had a trip to make.

My wheels stopped abruptly in Brooks' driveway, catching his attention while he mowed the lawn. He eyed me, wiping sweat from his forehead before slowly shutting off the motor. Removing a pair of gloves, he looked full of regret.

"I have to admit, you're the last person I expected to see here." he quipped, walking past me to a mini fridge in the garage.

"Figured it was time we talked." I leaned against the utility counter, reminded of May's father's garage. He nodded, offering me a water bottle. I glanced past him at the fridge. "Maybe a beer for this one."

His eyebrows rose, bringing some light to the situation. "No one will believe me when I tell them Summer Hathaway drank a beer." he chuckled, returning to the fridge and grabbing two beers. They made me think of May.

"I'm sorry about the 4th of July party."

"For all of it, or just for sneaking out on me?"

"What did you expect? To be little spoon?" I shot, bringing a smile to both our faces. We simultaneously took down a sip, and I was shocked that it wasn't as horrible as I thought. I took another sip just for the hell of it. "I'm sorry for all of it... I just don't know what gets into me. I make these mistakes without ever caring about the repercussions, then I vow to get better, and then I do it again."

He nodded, resting on his elbows. "I get it. I justify things I do for the dumbest reasons. That night I thought about how we were both a little sad over May, and I guess that was reason enough to do something stupid." He stared at me. "We can't do things like that soon... We're going to college."

I smirked. "Historically, college is the perfect place to do stupid things." Another sip. "But I know what you mean. At some point, I have to grow up. I... saw May today."

His eyes grew wide open. "How did that go?"

I shrugged, playing with the bottle cap. "She appears to be just fine without me."

"She's not. But, she knows she needs to move on and stop feeling sorry for herself."

Another sip. "Maybe so. In a way, I'm proud of her. She made some big waves this summer... but this is the first time I've actually seen her go after what she wants. It came at a cost, but I'm weirdly coming around to the fact that this is where she's meant to be."

Brooks grinned, clinking his bottle to mine. "She almost is. She doesn't have you. You have my forgiveness, Sum. Go get hers."

I finish my beer, tossing it into a stray dumpster. I spin back around, smiling mischievously. "Hey Brooks? When you meet all those hot USC girls... don't forget I'm the best you've ever had." I wink, leaving him as he held a wide smile with rosy cheeks.