Summer and May

Chapter Thirty-Two: Summer

Keeping myself busy was no longer working. 

I spent more time throughout the days convincing myself to not think about Jeremy, specifically Jeremy and May having feelings for one another this entire time. I replayed my fights with Jeremy incessantly in my mind, and I was only left with more questions. After an interesting conversation with my father this morning, the questions were now endless. I had never been the type to sit on my thoughts like this; I typically acted on my thoughts, intrusive as they can be, by now. And after yet another life-sucking shift at Dockside, I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm coming over - I texted May, tossing my apron and Dockside tee in my backseat. I changed at a stoplight, sticking my tongue out at the perv that was staring at me in the left lane. I drove like a maniac, reaching her gravel driveway in three minutes. I stormed into her room, trampling over the random pieces of clothing she had on the floor.

"Hey, I saw your text. Everything ok?" she said, alarmed by my urgency, and most likely the look on my face. She closed her laptop, removed her glasses, and stared at me expectantly. "Sum?"

I shake my bangs out of my face, unsure which topic to cover first. "I had an enlightening conversation with my dad this morning."

"Okay," she said sweetly, completely naive to what I was about to say.

I crossed my arms. "You know my father has friends at Brown, and they told him that all acceptance letters for the fall have been sent out, which means you know whether you're in or not." She stared at me blankly, her lips pursed. "So? What did your letter say, and when did you get it?"

She slowly reached for her nightstand, pulling out a paper. She handed it to me, and I man handle it to get it open.

Accepted.

I blink, read it again, blink again. "Why didn't you tell me? This is dated for... Almost two weeks ago? What the hell? Do you know how much this news would have cheered me up with all this Jeremy stuff?"

She took a deep breath as if she was willing herself some courage. "I didn't know how to tell you," she confessed, urging me to sit on the bed with her. It was covered in the same comforter she had as a kid, just like most of the decorations in her room.

I stared at her, impatient for more of an explanation. This was the news we'd been waiting on for years. Why wouldn't she tell me immediately? 

"Why wouldn't you know how to tell me? We're best friends." She nodded. "Unless you're having second thoughts." I spoke aloud; another small, still fear I'd held in the back of my mind for quite some time now.

Her lips rubbed together, her hands wrapped around each other so securely, I thought they may break off. "I didn't know how to tell you that, either."

A breath leaves my body and it physically hurts. "Just a straight-up explanation would've done the job." I speak evenly, although I feel the heat rise in my cheeks.

I can tell this is hurting her, maybe as much as it hurts me. It requires me to slow down and listen to her before I jump to anger.

"In my own way, I've tried telling you. So many times. But it didn't sink in, so I told myself that I was silly to second-guess something as amazing as Brown. Especially Brown with my best friend, after all these years of planning..."

I huffed. "So, what are you saying? You don't want to go anymore?"

She wrapped her arms around her middle, something she'd done since she was a girl. She used to tell me that it felt like her Mom was giving her a hug from Heaven, and she's been doing it ever since. I'm not ever sure she notices it anymore.

"I'm saying I don't know. This town is all I know, but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to leave it. But all this college stuff you want to do... dorm life, sororities... I don't know if that's me. I don't know if the college of business is for me. I just don't know."

"You got into Brown, May. That's a huge accomplishment that doesn't come around for everyone. You have fought like hell to get here, and now you just want to throw it away?"

"I--"

"Your father's garage will always be here. But an opportunity like this may not come around again. Hell, you can get your business degree and open your own shop if you want. Just don't give up on our dream, May. Don't leave me hanging." 

"I'm sorry," she said on an exhale. "I should have told you. I was so scared of letting you down. Brown is your dream--"

"My dream? Our dream." I reiterate.

She nodded hurriedly. "I just mean that I don't want to ruin your plans. I think I just need a little more time to think on it."

I looked at the nonexistent watch on my wrist. "Time is running out. I'm not sure how much you have left. July 4th is this weekend, and that's when most colleges close their acceptance windows. My father may be able to pull some strings for you, but..."

She didn't let me finish. She hugged me tight, knowing she had thrown a huge wrench in our plans. I hugged her back, rethinking everything at the same time. There was no point in bringing up Jeremy now. This was more important.

I'd watched May fall more and more in love with this town, with fixing cars, more than she loved Brown. She was more of a savant about it than her father was, which was wildly impressive. This may have been a fact I've known for a long time, but didn't want to admit. I had so much more to say to May, to ask her... but none of it seemed worth it now. Among my own hurt, I wondered how well I really knew my best friend.

On my way out, I let May know that while she took time to think, I needed some time to think, too. She veiled that hurt with concern, offering to take my shifts for me or wash my car; things that she could do to help me while still giving me the space I now required. I denied her helpful requests, knowing this is just how May operates. She's a giver; she feels deeply, which means she loves and hurts and feels guilt deeply. I still believed that my best friend is the most sensitive, kind, and loyal person in the world, but I couldn't stop the spiral of doubt in my mind.

Besides May, I didn't really have anyone that I liked to hang out with like her and I would. I settled for a card game with Luke by the bonfire, but that didn't help much. When I told him about my conversation with May, he wasn't surprised at all.

"Dude, the only thing May cares about is you, her dad, and cars. Of course she's not sure about Brown. She probably just agreed to do it because you wanted to. You don't always let people say no to you,"

That, among other statements he made, made the pit in my stomach grow larger. Was I so oblivious to my own best friend that Brown had truly been just my dream all along? I searched my memories for the times that May had possibly tried bringing up her change of heart, which took hours of staring at the ceiling to come to.

Each conversation that may have hinted at it had two common factors. Each time, she would let it come up casually before adding her thoughts, as if she was testing the waters. And each time, I would only respond with my vision for us at Brown.

Once midnight came and went, I even stretched my memories to think about all our conversations about Jeremy. Had she been hinting about him all along, too? Had she been hiding feelings for him, just like he was?