Chapter Thirty: Summer

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Taking May's advice was almost always the opposite of what I instinctually would do. Especially this time. Although last night I accused her of being unable to get her heart broken, she had the purest heart of anyone I'd ever known. Her instincts were good, while mine were reckless. I had the tendency to put myself first, which made my feelings for Jeremy that much more intense. It felt as if, possibly, he was the first man I didn't pursue for selfish reasons. I had wanted him selfishly at the beginning, but fell for him because of what I saw in him.

I worried that all the feelings I had for him would come rushing back the moment we locked eyes again, but I wasn't convinced that any of those feelings had gone away in the first place. I was sad, moreso than I'd like to admit. Every bone in my body was screaming to see Jeremy, yet avoid him at the same time. Which is why marching up to his dock in the middle of downtown was the last thing I wanted to do right now, but it needed to happen.

I gathered the courage I needed by taking deep breaths, small steps, and adjusting my sweatshirt about six times before I reached the end of the dock.

"Hey, Jeremy." I say just above a whisper, almost unable to recognize the sound of my own voice. I can tell just by his side profile that he wants to be left alone, but I was already here. No going back now. I sat on top of a cooler, lingering just behind him.

He finally shifted his glance towards me, placing his fishing pole beside him. He looked tired. "Hey."

It was quiet for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Now that I was here, all the confidence I normally exuded was notably absent. When he finally faced me, we both started saying something at the exact same time.

"I--" we both blurted. He motioned for me to go first. "I honestly don't know where to start. May told me I should talk to you. Hash things out."

His features smoothed for a moment before he spoke. "You beat me to it." he breathed evenly, looking me in my eyes. "I owe you an apology."

"Seems I owe you one as well." I situated myself on the dock, right next to him. My toes barely skimmed against the warm lake water. "But I truthfully don't understand why we fought. I know what I did was wrong, but I still don't see how it upset you so much."

"It's because it wasn't the truth." he confessed. "I was spending time with a version of the truth. I had amazing dates with a version of the truth. I was falling for a version of the truth."

"You were falling for me?" I whispered, my entire body covered in chills. I'd never heard those words before.

He blinked, his thoughts unclear. "I thought I was... But that wasn't really you. Our entire conversation made everything blurry."

I placed a hand over his, squeezing. "Then let me make it clear for you. I liked you from the start. I didn't know how to connect with you, because I'm not used to guys like you. So May gave me tips for what to talk about. For how to be around you. For how to not do what I normally do, to not fuck everything up." His brows pressed together, and I knew I'd hit his nerve. "And that is somehow what you're most upset about."

I stared at him, hoping he could give me an answer without me having to ask. He was completely unreadable to me, which made me want to melt through these wooden planks and disappear into the lake. I suppose if the roles were reversed, and he had played some scheme to get me to go for him... I may have been upset. But it wasn't that little white lie at the beginning that hurt him. It was that May had been the mastermind for us the entire time.

I saved up a breath to ask a question I didn't want the answer to, but I needed to know. "Is this about May, and not me?"

He simply sat there. Staring at the water. His silence was like a direct punch to the gut, and that feeling started growing stronger, bringing me to a realization. His lack of an answer said everything I had already feared. For once, my gut was right. Those small, seemingly insignificant thoughts in my head were right.

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