It's complicated

Chapter 9: opening up

It's now been 2 weeks since I received the letter from my dad he hasn't shown up at my house yet I don't know if he just wanted to scare me or if he was being genuinely serious about coming round you never know with him but the one thing I do know is that if he does turn up it isn't going to end well.

I've went back to living in my house with cole staying round a few times a week along with Leah. I was gonna stay at Cole's for a bit longer but fuck me that man snores I had to buy ear plugs and even then I could still hear him snoring. I haven't really left my house since I've been back I'm still on edge to be fair I've spent most of the time drinking and watching shameless in the living room. The only time I've really gone out is to go to training and round Leah's for a movie night speaking of Leah things are going really well I plan to ask her to be my girlfriend I'm just waiting for the right moment but first I need to do something that I've been avoiding I need to open up to her first I don't want to get Into a relationship with her without her knowing about my past. I've invited Leah to come round mine for a movie night so I guess today is the day I tell her my whole life story.

Leah's coming round in half an hour for a movie night I'm scared shitless of telling her my past it's hard to think about let alone say it out loud to someone but I know if I want to take things to the next level with Leah she needs to know. It's not that I don't trust her I really do I guess I'm just scared as to how she will react I don't want her to look at me any differently.

Half an hour later Leah knocks on the door I take a deep breath before opening it.

Hey beautiful I've missed you I say giving Leah a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I've missed you to Lex Leah says so are u going to let me in or just stand there staring at me Leah says laughing.

Shit right ye sorry come in I say fucking hell that was embarrassing.

We both walk into the living room Leah picks the remote up going to look for a movie I snatch it out of her hand.

No fucking chance it's my turn to pick a film you picked last time loser I say sticking my tounge out at her.

What no please I want to choose Leah says giving me the eyes she knows that I can't say no to.

No stop it with those eyes that's not fair there my weakness stop it I say closing my eyes so I can't see her.

Please let me pick Lex Leah says.

Omg your so annoying fine you can pick I hand her the remote and lie down on the sofa making sure she knows I'm not happy about this situation it's not fair I can't say no to her.

Aww don't go in a strop on me Bennet Leah says lying down in between my legs with a smug smile on her face.

It's not fair I can't say no to you and you used them eyes on me I say.

I'll let you pick next time I promise Leah says.

Fien but I'm still not happy about this I say.

Leah decides to put on Star Wars god fucking help me how am I gonna sit here for that long it's so fucking boring and I have no clue what it's meant to be about. After the longest 2 hours of my life the film finally ends.

Do you want to watch the second one Leah says to me.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT  I shout I mean not today maybe another time.

It wasn't that bad Lexi Leah says laughing.

No offence Leah but that film makes me want to poke my own eyes out I say.

Dramatic much Leah says still laughing.

Leah I need to speak to you I say now is the time fuck me im nervous my hands are sweating like crazy. Leah could sense my nerves so she pulls me int her chest.

Ok you can tell me anything Lex Leah says placing a kiss on my forehead.

I'm going to tell you about my past everything I say.

You don't have to Lex are you sure Leah says.

No i want to tell you I trust you and you deserve to know. Can u just not look at me whilst I'm telling you please.

If that makes you comfortable then yes Leah looks the other way.

I take a deep breath right this is it. I haven't had it easy growing up my dad was abusive he used to hit me and my brothers Ben and Jamie. Jamie had it bad he would stick up for himself and my dad didn't like that he would hit and hit until we could barely move. Me and Jamie were inseparable he was my everything the best big brother I could ask for. One day I woke up and Jamie wasn't there anymore he had ran away I was angry at first angry at him for leaving me with dad but I don't blame him now I understand why he did it. After Jamie left things got worse my dad would drink and get angry and hit. Ben has always been the favourite of all of us he did well in school did as he was told. when Jamie left dad took all his anger out on me he said it was my fault he left and I believe him for many years. As soon as I was 18 I left cut off all contact with my dad. Cole was the only person who was there for me I have been best friends with him since school he picked me up off the floor when I was drinking myself to death. He helped me through the darkest times of my life. I wouldn't be here today without Cole. He always believed in me.

I'm so sorry Lex you didn't deserve to go through any of that Leah says wrapping her arms round me tighter she has tears in her eyes.

Please don't cry Leah you're going to set me off I say. Do you have any questions?

Are you sure I can ask Leah says obviously not wanted to push me to far but it's ok I want her to ask.

Yes it's ok I promise you can ask whatever you want I say sending her a smile.

What about your mom you have spoke about your dad but not your mom Leah says.

I never knew my mom she left when I was a baby I don't blame her for leaving either.

I'm sorry Leah says.

Please don't be sorry Leah really it's ok.

Any more questions I say.

Do you have any you know scars from your dad.

Yes I do I take my shirt off to show her the scars that trail all up my back my arms and my stomach.

Leah's in tears I put my shirt back on and pull her into my chest we sit there in a comfortable silence I let her take in what I told her for a bit.

Thank you for telling me Lex Leah says breaking the silence.

It's ok you deserve to know I say placing a kiss on her forehead.

Lexi I want to ask you one more thing about the drinking Leah says.

Ok go ahead I say

I know that you still drink a lot and I've smelt it on you at training and I've seen the flask in your training bag and ur bin in the kitchen is full to the brim with empty cans and bottles. I'm not judging you Lex I just want to ask you to cut down on the drinking it's not good for you I don't want you to end up in hospital or worse dead because of drinking Leah says.

Oh um I'm sorry is all I can say.

No don't be sorry I understand why you drink I really do but I just want you to know that I've seen people drink themselves to death before and I don't want it to be you Leah says.

I know I've had a drinking problem for a long time and I do really want to stop but it's hard sometimes it helps I say.

I can help you stop whenever you feel like you need to drink please just call me I'll come right over day or night Leah says.

Ok I promise I'll stop I say I don't know if I will be able to stop but i know I'm going to try for Leah.

How about we go up to bed it's getting late I say to Leah. Yeah only if you carry me tho she says. Hmm now why would I do that when you have 2 perfectly fine working legs I say. Please carry me Leah says giving me those eyes I can't say no to. Fineee come here then I say picking Leah up bridal style.

I pick her up and carry her up the stairs to my room I place her on the bed I get in beside her and lie down on her chest she wraps her arms round me and I instantly feel safe.

Goodnight beautiful Leah says placing a kiss on my forehead.

Good night babe