It's complicated

Chapter 16: am i forgiven

It's now been a couple of days since my conversation with Beth and cole I know what I need to do I just need to speak to Leah now I hope I've made the right decision. I keep going to see her but then I pussy out I've went to go leave to go to her house 3 times the past 2 days but I get in the car and drive down the rode and instantly turn back round Cole's seen me do this and I think he's getting a bit sick of it now which I'm not surprised by I make him give me a pep talk before I leave every time just for me to come back 5 minutes later.

Right I'm actually going to do it this time I'm going to go see her Cole's dropping me off and picking me up when I'm done so I can't turn round and run from my problems this time I've actually got to do it.

We pull up outside of Leah's house I just sit there for a few minutes trying to compose myself.

Right Lex you have got this just tell her what you're thinking and hear her out Cole says.

Ok I'm going I say stepping outside of the car no fuck I can't do it I go to open the car door again but he's locked it he mouths sorry to me and then drives off that fucking prick I can't believe he's just done that to me.

Why am I being such a pussy it's just Leah it will be fine I keep saying to myself. I walk up to her door I stand there for a few minutes debating whether I should knock or just run away.

Fuck it I knock what's the worst that could happen well a lot of things but I've already fucking knocked now I can't just run away I don't think.

The door opens and there she is she looked like she hasn't slept at all she has bags under her eyes and her eyes are all red she's been crying.

Lexi.. your here Leah says her face lights up when she seen me I just give her a small smile.

Ye can I come in I need to speak to you I say well I can't run now she's already opened the door.

Ye sorry come in do you want anything to drink she says.

No im fine thanks I say

We make are way into the living room right I'm really shitting it I know exactly what I need to say but it's just getting myself to say it that's the problem.

Lexi I'm really so...

No Leah please stop apologising I know your sorry but just let me say this first. I know I fucked up and I shouldn't have drank I promised you I would stop and I was doing well but going back to my house seeing my blood that was still on the floor seeing everything just brought it back I was frustrated in training and I needed something to settle my nerves and stop the thoughts and i drank and I regret it Leah I really do but what you said really hurt me Leah and I believe that you didn't mean it I really do but I told you things that only Cole knows I told you my past I opened myself up to you for me to give you my trust was a really big thing for me I only have ever trusted Cole but i trusted you Leah.

I can tell how much my words hurt leah but I needed to get that off my chest I needed to let her know how much she hurt me and how much of a big deal it was to give her my trust.

Lexi I won't ever forgive myself for hurting you so much I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I can't lose you Lexi I was scared I was scared that you would shut me out I was scared that the drinking would get so bad that you wouldn't come back from it and i was selfish I promised you I would help you and I still want to keep that promise I shouldn't have shouted at you I should have listened to you and helped you through it but I lost my head because I was just scared of losing you and I know it sounds stupid but I love you Lexi and I've never felt like this before and I didn't want to lose you to alcohol I'm sorry Leah says with tears streaming down her face.

I'm sorry to Leah I really want to stop drinking it was just in that moment I didn't know what else to do I was scared that he would come back and kill me this time or worse hurt you or Cole I just needed to relax and it was the only thing I could think of doing I say with tears streaming down my face now.

Leah pulls me into her chest we both relax Into each others arms I've missed this I don't think I could ever stay mad at her I need her to much.

Lexi I want you to know that I will alway protect you as long as I'm around you then I'm not letting anyone hurt you or I will probably go to jail if you ever feel scared or your just over thinking things please come to me or Cole and we will help you Leah says wrapping her arms around me tighter.

I will I should have just came to you in the first place and I'm sorry for not doing that I love you Leah.

What's done is done it's in the past now Lexi and I love you to beautiful. Do you fancy movie night.

Yesss I've missed are movie nights so much but as long as I get to pick I don't think I could stand watching one of your shitty films that make absolutely no sense I say.

Fine you can pick and the films I pick are not bad and they do make sense you just don't pay attention to them.

Mhm whatever you say Leah whatever you say.
I scroll through Netflix to see what film I fancy watching after about 5 minutes or so we both agree on watching grown ups I think it's concerning the amount of times I've watched this film but oh well another time isn't going to do any harm.

Halfway through the film the lack of sleep is really starting to catch up to me I think I've slept a total of 3 hours the past three days my eyes start to get heavy I try to stay awake but it's no use i just give in and fall asleep.

Leah's pov

I'm happy Lexi came to speak to me I was starting to think she wasn't going to come but I couldn't blame her if she didn't I hurt her and I deserved to be ignored.

It hurt hearing Lexi talk about how scared she was about her dad coming back she shouldn't have to deal with this I just wish I could take the pain away from her I know she's struggling but she bottles everything up. I wish I could know what's going on in that head of hers so I can help. she doesn't deserve this having to live with constant fear. She's the most kind genuine person I've ever met I just don't get how someone could do that to her let alone her own father it actually baffles me.

I swear if I ever come face to face with that man let's just say I'll be in prison for a long time.

I'm happy she has forgiven me I don't think I deserved to be forgiven but I'm glad she did because I was falling apart without her by my side. I can see Lexi is drifting off to sleep I stroke her back to help her she looks like she hasn't slept in days looks like I'm stuck on the sofa till she wakes up then I don't really care tho I would stay here all day holding her whilst she sleeps if I had to. I just grab my phone to text Cole that Lexi is staying round so he doesn't get worried.

Cole🫶

Leah: just thought I'd let you know that Lexi has fell asleep and probably won't be coming back today I will drop her back in the morning tho.

Cole: ye that's fine I'm surprised she has fell asleep to be fair she hasn't slept a wink in days.

Leah: what can I say I'm just a good pillow I guess🤷🤷

Cole: dont hurt her again Leah or I will have to put you in your place and trust me you don't want to get on my bad side consider this your final warning Williamson👊👊😡🤬

Leah: I will never hurt her again I promise and you can't hit women Cole🧐🤨

Cole: well I can always transition Leah so you still won't be safe👨➡️👩‍🦰

Leah: stop making me laugh man I'm gonna wake Lexi up I can't believe u just said you will transition😭😭

Cole: my bad keep her safe give her a hug for me please

Leah: 👍👍

Cole: don't dad thumbs up me

Leah:👍👍

Cole:🖕🖕

I put my phone away and I just stare at Lexi for a bit it sounds weird but she's just beautiful I can't believe she's mine I'm never gonna let her go again. I turn the film off and snuggle up to her ready to fall asleep myself as I haven't really had any sleep the past few days as well.