It's complicated

Chapter 20: do i stay or go

I wake up with Leah's right arm wrapped around my waist and her lying on my chest. A smile makes its way on to my face thinking about are date last night it was amazing I think it's the most fun I've had in a long time. I can hear rustling downstairs in the kitchen must be Cole I'll take this as my opportunity to speak to him about the euros I know I need to make a decision quick the one thing you do not do is make sarina fucking wiegman wait I don't want to make a bad impression by not answering her quickly.

I slide out of Leah's grip trying not to wake her up in the process and make my way downstairs into the kitchen Cole's stood at the counter making teas for everyone.

Morning lex how was your date Cole says handing me a tea and taking a seat on the kitchen counter.

Ye it was amazing we went out to lunch then went to the cinema I say smiling at the thought of it. It was really special.

What's wrong you seem I don't know like your minds going into overdrive Cole says with a raised eyebrow. How does he always know these things?

I sigh and take a seat on the counter next to him so basically when we was driving back here yesterday sarina called me she said she wanted me to be apart of the euros squad I say looking at Cole's facial expressions expecting to see sadness but no he has a smile on his face.

That's amazing lex I'm so proud of you he says jumping off the counter and picking me up and spinning me around.

Ye I guess it is I say. 

He puts me down and looks me in the eyes a confused expression takes over his face. You don't seem to happy about it he says with a raised eyebrow.

I don't know what to do cole I want to go but I don't as well being away from you for so long I don't think I can do it I need you I say looking at the floor. What if something happens and you're not there I don't want to see his face I know he is probably disappointed.

Lex look at me he says lifting my face up so I have to look at him. I know it will be hard but playing for your country is something people dream off something you have dreamt off and I'm not going to let you turn down this opportunity lex. I'll be there at all off your games cheering you on. I'll visit all the time we will call every day ok you have nothing to worry about Leah will be there to look out for you and the arsenal girls and the Man City girls I'm only a phone call away. You have nothing to worry about he says wrapping his arms around me. Im proud of you lex i hope you know that he whispers into my ear.

At this point I'm in tears both sad and happy I still don't know how to feel about this but I know that I need to go not just for me but for cole. I want to make him proud and seeing him in the crowd with an England shirt with my name on the back will be special. Thank you Cole I'm proud of you to I say finally pulling away from the hug and wiping away my tears.

I love you Lexi now go call sarina and tell her your going or I'll have to do if you he says pushing me out of the room.

I make my way into the living room I sit on the sofa for a few minutes hovering my finger over sarina's number trying to get myslef to hit the call button.

What you doing Leah saying walking into the room placing a kiss on my cheek and taking a seat next to me on the sofa.

Trying to get myself to call sarina back it's not going very well tho I can't bring myself to do it I say letting a little chuckle out.

And why can't you bring yourself to do it Leah says.

I don't know myself to be fair I guess I'm just waiting for a reason for me not to go I say honestly.

What are you scared of what's stopping you from not calling her Leah says.

I guess I'm just worried about everything worried about going and then regretting it worried that I'll get there and hate it or nobody will like me worried that if I go cole will realise he doesn't need me anymore and that I'm holding him back I say looking at the floor letting the tears fall freely from my eyes.