Daddy Issues

45 [old] - Failed you

'Uncle Bob called. He said I'm welcome to stay with them for a while.'

'Oh, that's good!' Dan says. 'What do you think about that?'

'I don't know,' I shrug while taking a bite of my pizza. 'It's so nice of them. But I don't really know anybody there. I was thinking that if I get the job at the coffee shop, maybe I could rent an apartment somewhere around here. You know, something like this,' I say, gesturing around Mel's studio apartment.

'That would be nice,' Dan says tentatively. 'But it can be pretty difficult to find something. There isn't that much out there and the things that are available are crazy expensive. I've been looking today.'

I try not to get discouraged by that. I've never had to look for a place to live before. I've lived with my mother, then I moved to a dorm that my mother paid for. But I do know that it took Mel a long time before she could find something that she could afford.

'Did you find anything?' I ask him. 'For yourself, I mean.'

'I responded to two ads,' Dan says, taking out his phone while he shoves another large bite of pizza into his mouth. 'Take a look.'

I take his phone and scroll through the photos of the first advertisement. It's a nice apartment, I'd love to live at a place like that. But when I see what they're asking for rent, my brows turn down into a frown. I could never afford that on the salary that the coffee shop offers. Same thing with the other ad.

'They're nice,' I say, handing him his phone back. 'Hope you get one of them.'

'I can visit the first one tomorrow to look around. Wanna come with me?'

'Sure.'

Even if it might be painful to look at things I'll never be able to afford. I'd still be happy for Dan if he found himself a new place. The sooner he gets his life in the rails again, the better for him.

'I can help you look for something too. Maybe you could find something with roommates or something. That should be cheaper.'

'Yeah, maybe,' I say, feeling less excited to talk about this. 'I'll start looking around tomorrow.'

It still feels so strange that I'm forced to find a new place to live all of a sudden. I wonder how my mother feels right now. Is she upset about the whole thing at all? Or is she just glad to be rid of me?

I'm guessing she's mostly upset about losing Dan. I'm not sure if she wanted to break up with him for kissing me or if she wanted me out of the way so I wouldn't "take" him from her.

I look over at Dan, who's looking at the apartment on his phone again. He never told me what they discussed exactly when he went to the house to retrieve his stuff and tell her that it's over between them.

'What did Mom say to you?' I ask him tentatively. I'm not sure he wants to tell me. 'Yesterday, when you broke up with her. Was she going to break up with you too, or did she want to stay together?'

I almost can't believe all of that was only yesterday. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Dan looks away from me, which tells me that she must have said something about me. Probably something I don't want to hear.

'I don't know, I can't say it was a very constructive talk. We were both very upset.'

'Hm.'

I want to ask more, but I don't think he wants to tell me. And maybe it's best if I don't hear it anyway. Because I can imagine the things she'll have said about me.

She's a whore.
She tried to take you from me.
She wants to destroy my happiness.

Dan takes a concerned look at me when he sees my face. I managed not to think too much about her today, but of course everything is still on my mind. Her words hurt me more than that slap in my face.