Daddy Issues

49 - Not a date

'Oh my God, Mel, it's not a date.'

'Then what is it?'

'It's just... hanging out. Like you and I do. As friends.'

'Hmm.'

I roll my eyes and put my phone on speaker before putting it on my desk. Though I can't see her, I know Mel well enough to picture the exact face she must be pulling right now.

I told her about what happened with Dan. Everything minus the super embarrassing attempt to kiss him, anyway. And she does not approve of the idea of meeting up with him again.

'We're just gonna watch a movie,' I assure her.

'At the cinema?'

'No, I'm going to his place.'

'Emma...'

'What?' I ask, taking on a defensive tone. 'Wouldn't it be more like a date if we went to the movies?'

I grab a hoodie and a cute longsleeve from my closet and hold them both in front of me. I'm not sure what I should wear. I don't want to look like I'm trying to impress him, but still... I want to look cute.

'Ugh,' I sigh and toss them both back into the closet.

'Are you looking for an outfit for your not-date?' Mel asks skeptically. I frown at the phone for a moment. Is she psychic or something?

'No,' I lie.

'Sure,' she replies, unimpressed.

'Okay, so sue me for wanting to look decent,' I say, diving back into the closet to grab a nice black sweater. Comfortable, but classy. Pair it with a little gold necklace and I'll look just fine.

'Don't I always?' I ask, shrugging out of the sweats I'm wearing. 'It has nothing to do with Dan.'

I mean, of course it has to do with Dan. I totally agree, it wouldn't be smart to try to actually be together. But, well... I want him to think I look pretty anyway.

'Okay, hun,' Mel sighs. I wonder if she's finally about to reach her breaking point and give up on this friendship and all my drama after all.

'Look, you're gonna do what you're gonna do anyway. But I just want to put it on record that I think this is a bad idea. And when it all blows up I want you to look back on this moment and think to yourself: "What's the point of having such a brilliant, insightful friend if I'm not going to listen to her?"

I pull down the black sweater and smile into the mirror. Mel might very well be right. I had my own reservations, of course. But when he basically begged me to let him be my friend, how was I supposed to say no?

I did tell myself that if it doesn't feel right tonight, I'm not going forward with it. If it's too awkward or if there are too many feelings, he's going to have to accept that he can no longer be a part of my life. And so will I.

I put on my necklace and shake out my hair. I don't look too bad. And not too good either. Casual. Cool. Just like this night is going to be. Hopefully.

'I'll remember that, Mel,' I say, putting the phone back on my ear.

'But what if it does work out?'

---

I reach for the bell, then pull my hand back at the last moment. Then I take out my phone to check if I'm at the right address again. It clearly is. There's no reason not to ring this bell.

I blow out some air and stuff my phone back into my pocket. Then I rub my hands together and wiggle on my feet for a moment.

'Don't be such a fucking loser,' I mumble to myself.