Daddy Issues

29 - We'll do it together

'Okay, show me what you have so far,' Dan tells me.

'Pretty much nothing,' I say, shoving my laptop towards him. 'I took some tests and stuff but it didn't really get me very far.'

'According to this test you'd be a good doctor,' he says, scanning the meager document I made up in the last two weeks.

'I know,' I groan and I let my head fall down on my arms on the dinner table.

After I confessed to Dan about dropping out yesterday, I pretty much broke down. I told him how scared I am to tell Mom and once again ended up crying in his arms like an idiot. I told him how I wanted to come up with a new life plan so I'd be able to soften the blow a little, but that it turned out to nothing. After the cab got us home and I calmed down a little, Dan suggested we go to bed and get some sleep and that we'd wake up early so he could help me figure out something of a plan on how to break the news to Mom.

So that's what we're doing now. I didn't even have any trouble getting up at 7.30 because I hardly slept anyway. I just kept tossing and turning, playing out every single scenario of how it might go when I tell Mom. They all ended in anger or tears. Or both.

Dan's in the chair next to me and he puts a gentle hand on my arm to comfort me.

'I get what you were trying to do, but it's impossible to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life in just two short weeks,' he says. 'I think we need to think along some other lines. Like, maybe we should look into getting you an appointment with a career advisor. Sign you up for some orientation days at universities. You know, stuff like that.'

'It's not going to matter,' I mumble into my arms. 'I could take years to figure out what I want to do, but whatever I choose it will never be good enough.'

'Good enough for who?' he asks me.

'You know who,' I say pointedly.

'Emma, look at me.'

Reluctantly, I raise my head from my arms to look at Dan. He looks a little tired. He drank more than me last night and maybe he didn't sleep so well either after dealing with my latest mental breakdown. The poor man must be wondering what he got himself into.

'When you think about what you want for your future, you have to think about what you want. It doesn't matter what your mom thinks about it, it's not her life.'

'You don't understand,' I tell him frustratedly. 'Me going to med school is like the one thing that she actually likes about me. It's the only thing where I didn't fuck up. Until now.'

'That's not true,' he says, frowning as he looks at me. 'She's your mother, she loves you no matter what you do.'

I scoff and look away from him again. That may be true for other people. But it's never been true for me.

'If you really don't believe that, then you should... you guys should talk about that,' Dan says, still looking at me closely. 'I get that it's scary to tell her you dropped out. And I'm sure it will be a difficult conversation. But in the end, she'll want what's best for you, Emma.'

You ruined my life.

The only time she told me that was during that fight we had after she left Jack.

I wish you'd never been born.

But she didn't have to say it again. I could see it in her eyes. With every fight we had. Every time I disappointed her.

'I just don't think she'll understand,' I say softly, pulling at the sleeve of my sweater.

'Well, explain it to me again and then we'll see how you can tell her to make her understand.'