Daddy Issues

34 - What is it?

On Monday, I decide to try again. I can't just hide from Mom forever and I have to tell her about dropping out at some point. Especially with Dan being so on edge that it might just slip out.

And maybe, if we can get past this, he will calm down a little again. I guess I hadn't really realized how upset he was over everything. And that he seems to be angry at my mom about it. I mean, I guess it's nice to have someone in my corner in this house for once, but I didn't mean to cause a rift between them. There's enough fighting around here without the two of them fighting too. And I don't want him to get sick of it and leave.

So I texted Dan to ask what he was planning on cooking tonight. He told me was going to make a simple pasta. Which is perfect. I'm going to surprise them both by having the dinner cooked by the time they get home. And I'll be on my best behavior. I'll be so fucking nice, Mom won't know what hit her. And if it all goes well, I'll try telling her, the way Dan and I practised. And then it will be out of my hands. However she reacts, I'll make sure to stay calm. We'll have to just work through it.

I've Googled how to make pasta and various sites tell me that the longer you leave to sauce to cook, the better, so I make my way to the kitchen somewhere in the afternoon. Confidently, I pull open the fridge to search for the ingredients that I know Dan has already bought. And I'm met with my first challenge.

There are a lot of different recipes online but I don't seem to find the exact ingredients for any of them. I'm not sure which items he intended to use and find myself examining a bag of carrots. They're mentioned in some recipes, not in others. What if he was going to use it for something else and gets mad when I use it now?

I stall out the ingredients that I think I'll need on the kitchen island and blow out some air as I look at them. Maybe I should send a picture to Mel and ask her if she agrees, just to make sure. But when I take out my phone, I notice that I received a message from someone else.

Hey, Luke has written.

How's your Monday going?

We texted back and forth a little yesterday. He discovered my note and texted me to tell me he was happy to let me borrow a sweater in exchange for not killing anything. I already threw it in the washer this morning so I can give it back to him soon. Like Saturday night, he was easy to talk too. So I smile when I reply to his message.

So far, so good. But we're at a turning point because I'm about to attempt to make pasta.

You've never made pasta before?

No. I've only cooked once before in my life. Last week.

Oh shit. How did you survive until now?

Dumb luck I guess. Do you have an easy recipe I could follow? There's so much online.

It takes him a second to reply. I'm about to put my phone away, but the the screen lights up again.

If you want, I could help you out? I'm done with school for today.

I look up from the screen to stare at the ingredients before me. I could definitely use some help. And Luke's really nice. But there's this feeling gnawing at me that maybe, it just wouldn't be fair. To him, I mean. We shared a great night together but to invite him to my house to cook together, that's so personal. And I don't think this guy deserves to get dragged into the mess that is my life.

Besides, there's no way he could actually stay for dinner too. Because he's not going to want to be here when I break the news to Mom.

That is so sweet, I reply. But I really want to be able to tell my mom I did it myself. I think I have to face this battle alone.