Daddy Issues

37 - Didn't mean it

'I feel like I shouldn't go.'

'No, of course you should go, I'll be fine.'

'You could come with me.'

'I'm not going to force my company on your family, Mel.'

'They wouldn't mind. Everybody loves how functional you make our family seem.'

I snort and toss one of her little cushions at her. Mel laughs when she catches it from the air.

I was lucky my phone was in my pocket when I ran away from home, because I certainly didn't think to grab it. After I left Dan forlorn on the sidewalk, I kept walking for I don't even know how long, until finally I collapsed on a bench and called Mel.

I was still so hysterical, I could barely get the words out, but she came to pick me up and I've been staying at her place ever since. Which is 3 nights already.

Dan tried to call me a lot just after I left, but I didn't pick up and I didn't call back. I didn't want to talk to him. At first, I was so angry about him slipping up and breaking the news to Mom. Later, I just felt horrible about what I said to him. About not being his surrogate daughter. How could I say that after he told me he lost his daughter? It makes me feel sick when I even think about it. I don't know how I can ever face him again.

I'd think he must hate me too now, if it wasn't for the many texts he sent me to please let him know if I'm okay. In the end, I sent him one text late Wednesday night, after lying awake for many hours. I told him that I was alive and that I was staying with Mel. And then I asked him again to leave me alone.

Which he did. He stopped texting and he stopped calling. It was a relief at first, but I soon realized I missed it. I tried texting him to tell him I'm sorry about what I said. But anytime I started, I'd just freeze and I'd delete the message without sending it. I'm staring to think that maybe this was it. Maybe I'll never speak to him again.

Because I don't dare to go home. It took my mother over 48 hours to text me. Then she sent:

We need to talk.

I ignored it. And nothing else came. I don't want to talk to her. She made it clear that there's no way we can work it out. She thinks I'm a failure. And she doesn't want me around.

I'm so thankful for Mel. Because she's letting me sleep on her couch with no complaint. I feel horrible for invading on her space like that, but I don't know where else to go. I know I'm going to have to come up with some sort of solution, but she told me to take all the time I need.

Only today, she's leaving for a family vacation. She'll be staying at a lake house with her family for a week. There's no way I'm going with her. I won't invade on her that much.

Since I'm not coming with her, she's decided to give me the key to her place. So I can stay here on my own for the rest of the week while I take some time to figure things out. Which is so sweet. When she's gone, I'll think of some way to thank her for everything she's done for me.

'Go and have a great time, Mel. I don't want you to worry about me for one minute when you're up there.'

'Okay,' she says doubtfully. I smile brightly at her as she grabs her back and puts it over her shoulder. She still looks unsure about going. Honestly, I really don't want her to go. We've talked a lot these part few days and she's been so supportive. But if I even hinted at it, she'd drop her bag and stay and I want her to go and have a good time.

'Send me some pictures, will you.'

I get up from the couch to give her a big hug.

'Thank you so much for being there for me, Mel. I... I don't know what I'd do without you.'