Daddy Issues

36 - What did you say?

On Wednesday, I spend some time on my laptop. Because Dan has signed me up for an appointment with a career advisor tomorrow, and they've sent me this questionnaire to fill out in advance. It only takes me 5 minutes to get frustrated.

Every question seems to make me more nervous. Because they're the same questions I already asked myself. What do I like to do? What am I good at? I don't know how to answer those questions. I have to rate items on a scale of 1 to 10 as well and somehow I find myself doubting at each one.

What if this is just going to tell me I should be a doctor again? What if I'm not good for anything else? What if the advisor tells me they can't help me because I'm hopeless?

It takes me way too long to fill out the questionnaire, but eventually, after checking it over three more times, I send it in. Then I shut my laptop and decide not to look at my email for the rest of the day. If they mail me to just give up already, I don't think I want to know it.

Then I spend some time reading Desolate City. But I just can't seem to focus. I keep thinking about the appointment tomorrow. It seemed like a good idea when Dan suggested it, but now I just don't know. I still have no idea for another career path and I don't see how some advisor is going to figure it out for me. They'll probably just ask me stupid questions that I won't be able to answer and I'll just sit there like some sort of idiot.

By the time Mom and Dan come home, my anxiety has only gotten worse. I try not to show it too much, but it doesn't help when Mom walks into the living room and takes a seat in the armchair while Dan goes into the kitchen to start dinner. I look over my book and find her staring at me with a strange smile on her face. Has she really picked this moment to have our first one on one conversation since I got home?

'What are you reading?' she asks me.

'Um, it's called Desolate City,' I tell her, hoping I don't sound too suspicious.

'What's it about?'

'It's about a city. That's desolate.'

'Ah.'

Okay, don't be like that. You were going to be nice to her.

'Dan recommended it,' I say, putting in some more effort. It's about this place where a sort of magic virus broke out and the last surviving people have broken out into clans. There's this war going on.'

'Sounds thrilling,' she says dryly.

'Yeah, well... it's pretty good.'

I turn my eyes to the page again. But I can still feel her eyes on me, which makes it impossible to register anything.

'Emma, I was thinking about what you said the other day.'

I can't talk about this right now. In my current state of mind, it won't go well. But I can't exactly ignore her.

'Oh?'

'About med school. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling this year.'

I keep my finger on the page, but close the book to look at her. I wonder if her and Dan fought again. It's not like my mother to make an effort to actually acknowledge my feelings. Now that she does, I'm not sure what to say.

'Um... okay.'

'You know, I've struggled too, from time to time. To find enjoyment in what I do.'

That makes me raise my eyebrow. It's always seemed to me like she never got anything but fulfillment from her job.

'I thought you loved your job.'

'I do. For the most part. But there's been times when it was hard. You know, when I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough or when I couldn't figure out how to juggle everything. Especially when you were younger.'