Daddy Issues

52 - What have you been up to?

Dan said I'd be welcome anytime, so I decide to take him up on it. The more often I see him, the easier it gets again and soon the awkwardness of it all has disappeared completely. After just a short couple of weeks, we've fallen back into our old rhytm of teasing and talking and just genuinely having a good time together.

It's not messy, like Mel said it would be. My feelings for him are totally in check. So I go over to his place for dinner most nights. Mel said it was weird, that I'm getting too dependent on him again. But it's not like that. Mostly, it's just convenient. He's cooking anyway and neither of us likes to have dinner alone, so why not? And on top of all that, I'm learning how to cook too. A few more months of this and I might even get a little good at it.

I feel better than I have in months. My job's going well, cutting out (most) drinking has me feeling healthy and my evenings are spent with fun, innocent, nights with Dan. So I feel great. Except, that is, whenever I run into Mom.

Of course I feel bad. I didn't get to see them together much, but Dan did seem to make her happy. And I fucked that up. I remember how defeated she looked when he left. How sad. And here I am sneaking off to see him every chance I get. Nothing has happened since I tried to kiss him at Halloween, but I'm sure that wouldn't make a difference to her. She was probably right when she told me I made it impossible for her to love her.

But when I don't have to see her, it's easier to forget about the guilt. So I avoid her as much as possible. But tonight, that doesn't seem to be an option.

'Emma? Can you come in here for a second?'

I halt my step and take a longing look towards the stairs up to my room. Should have made it home just a little later after all. But I can't ignore her now.

I just came back from Dan's place. We made a casserole and then we ate on the couch while we watched the Lord of the Rings, because Dan keeps insisting that it's a crime against humanity that I hadn't seen those movies yet. I admit, it was nice than I thought it would be, even if it was super geeky. Of course, now heel make me see the others as well.

'Hey mom,' I say, stepping into the living room. 'What's up?'

I lean against the door post, keeping a safe distance from her. Of course, there's no way she could know I just spent time with Dan, but still, I feel nervous. So I hope this won't take long.

She looks up from the book she's been reading and locks her eyes on me. With her reading glasses on, that she won't let anyone see besides me, she looks even judgier than usual.

'Haven't seen you in forever,' she says, somehow sounding both accusatory and disinterested at the same time. 'What have you been up to?'

'Oh, you know, nothing.'

I shift on my feet and cross my arms, trying to look somewhat relaxed. But the question immediately puts me more on edge. I clear my throat and put on a smile, hoping it will make me look less nervous. And like I'm not hiding something.

'Hanging out with friends.'

She nods vaguely, clearly not actually interested in what I'm saying. That's a relief. But it also makes me wonder what this conversation is actually leading up to then.

'Um, you?' I ask her. But she ignores my question.

'Are you going to be out with friends again tomorrow night?'

Something in her tone makes me give her a wary look. After not caring where I go or what I do for months, I can't imagine she's all of a sudden asking just out of interest.

'I don't know, haven't got anything planned yet,' I shrug, narrowing my eyes a little. 'Why?'

'I have a date,' she says matter-of- fact-like. 'And if all goes well again, I think I'd like to invite him inside. And I'd like you not to be there.'