Daddy Issues

39 - Drunken mistake

I walk downstairs with heavy feet. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to look my mother in the eye. But I can't hide in my room forever.

I'm exhausted. There was no way I could sleep after what happened in the kitchen. The kiss kept playing on repeat in my mind. God, it felt so good. But I feel so fucking horrible now. He's my mother's boyfriend. She may not have been a perfect mother, but she doesn't deserve this. If she ever finds out, she'll feel horrible.

And then she'll truly hate me. I know she won't forgive me. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what we did. Even if I wanted it for weeks now. Even if it was the best feeling in the world. For a moment.

I can hear them talking softly in the kitchen. Maybe they're having breakfast, it's still pretty early. Normally, I wouldn't be up at this hour especially after such a late night. But I got tired of tossing and turning.

One of the things that kept me up was not knowing what Dan would do. I had to leave him alone with Mom. And I know how much he hates lying. I'm sure it must have been hard for him to act somewhat normal around her. But I have to make him see that he can't tell her what happened. I hated that I wasn't able to talk to him about it, but there was no way. I thought about texting him, but Mom could see it and then we'd be screwed. I have to find a moment to talk to him alone.

When I round the corner, I find them at the kitchen table. Dan's facing my way and he looks up when he spots me coming in. My stomach turns again as soon as our eyes meet. He looks as exhausted as I feel. And he doesn't seem to know how to react, because he grabs his coffee and tries to hide his face behind it.

'Goodmorning,' I say.

Mom, who has her own coffee in front of her, turns to look at me.

'Morning, Emma. You're up early.'

'Yeah.'

I can only manage to look at her for a moment, so I walk along and go up to the coffee machine to make myself a cup as well.

'I woke up early,' I mumble.

'Dan tells me you guys had a great time last night.'

I turn around to look at him for a second. He keeps his eyes firmly away. A great time... You could say that.

'Yes, it was... a lot of fun.'

My God, get yourself together. I hope my mother takes our fight as the source of my awkwardness. After all, this is only the second time we're talking after that.

Fuck, we agreed to talk about it all today. I don't know how I'm going to get through that in this state.

'Good. I'll definitely go to the next one.'

Nobody responds to that. Only the sounds of the coffee machine breaks the loaded silence. I watch the liquid pour down into my cup and clutch the counter. I try not to think about how he pressed me against the kitchen island only a couple feet from me yesterday.

When my coffee's done, I take it into my hand and stand awkwardly in the kitchen. I want to get far away from here, but I don't think that's an option. Mom seems to sense my hesitation.

'Do you want to sit down with us for a moment?'

She's turned around in her seat to look at me. I give her a tiny smile and walk past Dan, who's at the head of the table, to take the seat opposite of her. Next to him. I can feel my skin tingle just from being near him. He still won't look at me.

When I sit down, Mom takes a breath and smiles at me. It's a little creepy.

'I'm very glad you're back home, Emma.'