Daddy Issues

42 - I'm sorry

I wait until deep into the night to go back home because I want to be sure that Dan is gone and Mom has gone to bed. I wish I could have gone to Inferno to forget about everything, but it's not open on a random Tuesday night, so I walked to a local bar instead. I sat alone in a corner and used my very limited resources to buy some beers and drank until they closed at midnight. Since then, I've been wandering around the dark streets and the slight buzz I managed to create has worn off by now.

I didn't even call Mel to tell her what happened. And it's not just because I decided I wouldn't bother her with my shit on her vacation. I'm also scared to find out what she'll think of me. I made out with my mother's boyfriend. Then I begged him not to break up with her because I didn't want to lose him from my life. What the hell is wrong with me? I have no right to be this upset about him leaving. But I am.

When I return to the house a little after 2, I'm happy to see that all the lights are out. As quietly as possible, I turn my key in the lock and close the door softly behind me. The last thing I want to do now is wake up Mom.

So I make sure to be careful when I kick off my shoes and hang my coat, then make my way quietly to the stairs.

I shouldn't have bothered.

'Dan's gone.'

I jump when my mother's voice rises up from the dark kitchen. I don't want to talk to her. I can't face her. But I can't ignore her. Clearly, she's heard me. With heavy feet, I make my way to the kitchen. Where I find my mother in the dark, at the kitchen table. A bottle of wine in front of her and a glass in her hand.

'What do you mean?' I ask her in a small voice.

'He left,' she says softly. 'He broke up with me and he left.'

I realize suddenly that I've no idea what exactly Dan told her. Keeping our kiss a secret was eating him up but he wouldn't have told her about that, would he? I don't think so. She would've tried to kill me already if he had.

'I'm so sorry,' I tell her quietly. At least that's true. Everything was better with him here. Now it's all gone.

I can't see my mother's face, but I can hear her scoff. That does not bode well.

'You're sorry,' she repeats, more to herself than to me. 'Emma's sorry. So sorry.'

I hover by the door. I knew she'd blame it on me, like she's done before. The worst thing is, this time, she's entirely right.

'You turned him against me the minute you came here.'

'I didn't mean to-'

'You should have never come back here,' she says sharply, interrupting me. 'I was glad you were finally gone.'

In the doorway, I bite my lip and wring my hands together. I don't want to stand here and listen to her telling me how much she hates me. But I deserve it. She doesn't even know how much I deserve it.

'I'm sorry,' I say again.

When she pushes her chair back, I tense up. But I don't move away. In the faint light coming in through the windows, her skin seems eerily pale and her eyes are like dark pits boring into mine.

She stops right in front of me, still holding her glass of wine in one hand. With the other, she reaches out to me. A shiver runs down my back when she brushes her fingers over my face.

'You play the part so well, sweetheart,' she says softly. 'The sweet innocent girl with a bitch for a mother. It's my own fault. I gave you the pretty face to pull it off.'

'What?' I ask breathlessly.

'If only he knew what you really are. But then again, maybe he wouldn't care. Men are so stupid.'

Did he tell her about the kiss after all? If he has, she'll kick me out right here and now. He tried to call me tonight, many times, but I ignored him. Until finally, I blocked him. Did he want to warn me?

'What did Dan say?' I ask her in a high voice.

She takes a step back and lets out a frightening chuckle. Then she points an accusing finger at me.

'You told him about Jack.'

My skin goes cold. It's better than the kiss, but this is still bad. How could he tell her? He promised he wouldn't. She'll think that I told him to manipulate him.

'No, I-'

'You did. And you told him how none of it was your fault, like you didn't throw yourself at him. Why would you do that, Emma? Was taking Jack from me not enough, you had to have Dan too?'

'I didn't... It wasn't...' I ramble. 'We ran into Jack and I... I was upset, I didn't mean to tell him, but I-'

'You told him what a bad mother I was?'

'No, I just... I just told him what happened.'

'Well, he told me that he can't look at me the same since he knows. So congratulations, it worked. You got him out of here.'

She steps back from me and shakes her head. Then she lets out anotger disturbing laugh. I wonder how much wine she's had. Has she been drinking since he left?

'I didn't mean to turn him against you,' I tell her, taking a shaky step in her direction. 'I didn't want him to leave. I liked him, I-'

'I know you like him, Emma,' she snarls. 'You wanted him for yourself.'

'No,' I plead. Though it's not true. I do want him for myself. But I don't want to do that to my mother. I just wanted him to stay. For things to be different.

'I'm sorry, mom,' I whisper, unable to fight the tears anymore. 'I didn't mean to fuck everything up.'

'You never do, do you? It's never your fault, things just happen to you.'

She scoffs again and puts her glass to her lips, only to find it empty. So she turns around and strides to the table to grab the bottle and fill it up again.

'Your father had the right idea,' she says disturbingly calmly. 'I wish I had left first, when I still had the chance. You ruin everything you come near to.'

Her words hang in the air in the silence that follows. She's never actually said these things. Though I always knew she felt them.

'I am sorry,' I say one more time. I feel tired. Drained. I don't even want to fight her, I just want this to be over. 'About everything. I'm sorry dad left. And Jack. And Dan... I'm sorry I ruined your life. I get it. I get why you hate me.'

I can see her straighten her back and slowly take another sip of wine. Then she turns around and leans back against the table. And looks at me. For seconds that seem to last forever. I'm afraid to move under her gaze.

'I don't want to hate you, Emma. But you make it impossible to love you.'

I always tell myself not to let her words hurt me. But they do. They're still like knives to the gut, cutting straight into places that have already been cut before.

But I don't show her that. At least, I hope I don't. I only nod.

'Do you want me to leave?'

'No,' she says, shaking her head absent-mindedly. 'No, you wanted to come back, so you're back. What's the point in leaving now? The damage is already done. We'll just go back to how it used to be. Just you and me. I guess it's always going to be... you and me.'

What a tragic fate. For both of us.

I look at her, standing there in the dark kitchen that was filled with light and laughter not so long ago. Until I ruined it. The place looks dead again now.

'Goodnight, mom,' I whisper.

Then I turn around and head to my room.