My Diary

20-2-2024

Dear diary,

Is this how it is going to be from now on? Am I going to be used every fucking day? I hate my life. I hate it so much that I was holding a knife and I wanted to stab it into my leg right there and then.

How do my parents not see that there is something wrong with me? I can't do it anymore.

Today I told one of my friends about the time I almost got raped. Well... when two boys joked about raping me. She looked at me and I think she genuinely thought: "Is she okay?" 

I tell my friends about my life, you know? Just not everything. I told them about everything that happened in my family and one of my friends asked me if I was okay and I said yes but I didn't mean for my voice to break. She doesn't believe me anymore.

And why does my sister think that it is fun to mess with me? She makes me want to kill myself every day. 

And no I didn't shift. 

I just want the feeling of happiness. 

In my DR I am actually pretty and smart and nobody hates me. I scripted to have a boyfriend, no sister, no parents, (Except for the godly one.) 

I am planning on having a beautiful life in my DR. Where I have all types of kinesis, where I can be myself. And where I can be appreciated for myself.

And you know what also happened today? My knee gave up. I can't walk up the stairs without hurting myself. Is this how it has to be? I finally am in the selections and then I can't participate.

Sleep just isn't sleep anymore. It's an escape.

And since I tell my friends everything I also dumbly told them that I have a diary on wattpad. How stupid can I be?

I am so stupid.
I am so stupid.
I am so stupid.
I am so stupid.

I want to go home. 

Home?

Camp Halfblood, Hogwarts, fantasy.

My parents obviously think that I am crazy since I talk to people that are not there. I always imagine my friends or fictional characters to be with me. I don't know...

Now they want to get my blood pricked. I hate that.

Let's focus on something else. 

I have at least two friends that like me...

One of my friends a few weeks ago, always called me bestie. She tagged me in all the videos on her fyp, she gave me a hug when I wanted to, she was nice to only me.

Now, I got too attached. Too many hugs, too many videos, too clingy.

I can't help it. Now I think I lost a friend.

Again. How can I be so fucking stupid? I just... Nevermind.

I hope I violently get hit by a car tomorrow and land in the hospital. I don't want to die, I just want to land in the hospital.

Then I want to find out that I have cancer and die because of that.

Colorful huh?

Now I am going to try and shift again. I love you guys, bye <3