My Diary

18-2-2024

Dear diary,

I write this chapter earlier than others. Tomorrow I have school again so I have to go to sleep earlier.

What did I think? When I tried to have a glow up. I am too lazy. Maybe it's true what everyone says. I am too lazy, too excited, too dumb, too me. 

It's a lot of too's. But this is me, take it or leave it.

I get it if you want to leave it. I also want too sometimes. 

Yesterday I pressed a blade into my skin. It wasn't sharp and it didn't hurt but I do have wounds. I also found out that nobody cares about anything in the world. Make me sad, say hurtful things, give me a blade and I'll stab myself without hesitation. 

Today I was together with my friendgroup. We had a sleepover. Two of them kept insulting me. I don't know how they succeed to say the same words and still hurt me as much as the time before. 

"Kill yourself."

"Fuck off."

"Die bitch."

"Shut up."

These are very common in our friendgroup but they hurt every fucking time.

I can't even insult them! If I say "Fuck you." they say "When?". If I say "I am going to kill you." they say "That's hot."

They make everything dirty and I just can't do it. 

My sister is also annoying the shit out of me. If I commit suicide, she will be one of the reasons. She annoys me so much. She says that I complain too much while I barely even say anything. And if I do then I am always complaining, her words not mine.

She says that I'm the one complaining even though she cries about having too many friends. She doesn't deserve them. 

I know that, if you're going to shift, people say to not focus on the fact that you want to leave your own reality. But I can't. I want to exit this world so badly! I want to go to a reality where I am pretty, everyone likes me (as in friends), and I have a boyfriend.

I just want to shift. I need to shift. It is one of the only things that might make my mental health better.

Plus, if I stay there long enough, there might be a chance that my normal self will land in a coma and that means I'll land in the hospital which means that everyone will finally find out that there is something wrong with me!

Now I need to go. I am going to try and shift again. I'll tell you tomorrow if I did it or not.

Byee!!