if im honest
im breaking again
time and space and everything in between
i can't tell the difference
im shifting out of this dimension
and into another one
the look on the psychiatrists face
when he walked back in the room
when he mentioned all these letters
diagnoses
and all i could think was
damn is he tryna teach me the alphabet again
BPD
ADHD
OCD
ADD
Anxiety
PTSD
Derealization Disorder
And then I'm asking
So what does all that mean?
And he explains in order
BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder
As in, you will have times where you split
Meaning someone could do something tiny
And completely inconsequential
And the chemistry of your brain
Will tell you that you hate them
That they hate you
That they're a horrible person and
You never want to talk them again
You feel everything at the highest extent
Your either so unbelievably happy that nothing can change it
Or your so incredibly depressed you want to die
You see the world in black and white
No gray and your constantly reminded
Your not like everyone else
And then out of the blue
Two hours later
Oh my God I love them sm
They're my favorite person
ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
So basically, you can't sit still
you can't have a good day or a bad day
Your prone to depressive episodes
You can't just chill
You fidget constantly
Sometimes you feel like you can do anything
And other times you feel like
You can't do anything
You constantly have about 3500 thoughts
Within a 2 second time span
Your mind is racing at the speed of light
You look in the mirror and hate what you see
You could be the happiest youve ever been
And then in the next second
You wanna die
Simple things slip your mine and
You can't always remember things
You find it easy to just
Completely detach and disassociate
You develop things like eating disorders
You can't seem to save money
Your constantly hurting yourself
Purposely and accidentally
OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder
You develop crazy things that sound unrelated
But when you add it all up it makes sense
Things like
Irrational food fear where simple ordinary foods
Scare the shit outta you
And you go weeks eating specifically
Two foods and everything else sounds gross
You have horrifying nightmares
That keep you up at night until 5am
You have severe anxiety
And you have this uncontrollable urge to
Make everything pretty constantly
ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder
Where it's hard to pay attention to anything
And you react when people tell you what to do
You feel like your better off on your own
Knowledge
And reject most forms of authority
It's hard to not do things and the receptors
That tell you things are a bad idea
Are less compelling, less convincing
Severe depression is more likely
You have a hard time focusing and a harder
Time listening when people are talking
It's hard not to interrupt when people are talking
And easier to listen simply to figure out
What your going to say next
Instead of listening to hear what is going on
Anxiety is a bitch
Anxiety affects literally every part
Of your life every second of every day
The simplest things can lead to panic attacks
And anxiety attacks
And it's easier to develop panic disorders
Your fight or flight instinct evolves into
Fight flight or freeze
And when your body tells you your in danger
Instead of running or being ready to fight
You freeze, and you can't move and you panic
You feel like your going to vomit
And you can't move and it's like your paralyzed
PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder
Caused from a series of traumatic instances
In your life and again it affects every aspect
Of your life and it makes it hard to cope
It goes hand in hand with attachment issues
And abandonment issues
It's hard to form close relationships
And even harder to maintain regular relationships
It's not easy to maintain feelings or
to regulate your emotions
And sometimes your so out of it
That things stop making sense
Derealization disorder is a hard pill to swallow
It's like you can't tell what's real and what isn't
Your brain creates scenarios and then tells you
That it actually happened
Dreams seem like they happened
And so do random thoughts
You can't tell what's truth and what's false
You dissociate and do things
And then can't remember
You lose chunks of memory
And you panic
You lose track of time and space
And there's no cure no med to fix it
You think of life as a construct and
Truly believe that you could cut yourself
And not even bleed because
You can't tell if your real or not
Needless to say
I'm fifty shades of fucked up
And everyone wants me to stay here on this Earth
But I really wanna jus go
Because what's the point of living
When I can't even really tell if I'm living?
YOU ARE READING
Things to know
Puisithis is a poetry book filled with poems that describe how I feel about myself, and some of them describe my relationships with some people, and the last few were just inspiration that hit and they came out on the paper
