Please, Remember The Bench (BY: Book 3)

Hell I Know!

Lena's POV

During my father's funeral, I managed to hold back my tears. I succeed at staying strong for my mother, for my children, since Stef isn't fully able to comfort them giving that she didn't know what kind of relationship each kid had with their grandpa.

Stef did try to be there for me, she was on my back all damn day, never leaving my sides. She tried to hold my hand as they were burying my father, as they were putting him in a hole and covering his coffin with dirt... but I pulled away.

It literally broke my heart, I felt it broke in half and Stef did try to comfort me, but I was unable to receive that support, I didn't want her to touch me... because I would fall apart...

She couldn't stop asking if I was okay, if I needed anything, but I just wanted to scream at her, I wanted to yell though I didn't do it... how to tell her that nothing she could say or do would ever be able to heal my heart and ease my pain. It just reminds me that I've lost my father, and I've lost my wife is some kind of way too...

My brother was there as well... it was sad to see that even after all those years, trying to bond with him, the cut was still there between us... it has always been a big hole in my father's heart, because he wanted his two kids to be close and love each other... it just wasn't mean to be this way.... We could be civil, and hold small conversations, but that's about it...

Stef didn't even know I had a brother since I never talk about him, I honestly almost forget that I have one sometimes... she was surprised but tried not to ask too many questions.

There was a conflict between my heart and my head. My heart just wants to melt into Stef and let her be there for me, and hold me... just hold me because I know she would. Stef is a physical person, and now she feels more comfortable around me so I know she would, but my head... my head is telling me not to go there, because if I let myself go with her, once she will push me away again, it would destroy me...

I was grateful for my kids though, it was hard for them to see the coffin and all, but once we did the little gathering at my mom's house to celebrate my father's life, they tried to bring joy in it. Brandon played piano, Marian sang a little, and Callie played the guitar. Jude was glued to me, and covered me with love, along with Kamaya. And Jesus just brought food to me every five seconds. They were sweet and thank God for them because... I don't know what I would do without them.

My mom being who she is, a proud and strong woman, didn't show her emotions, it's just how she is... I wish she would let me be there for her, and allow herself to break down in front of me, and I will catch her... She just lost the love of her life... but... she's just like Stef, she's a private person, and I have no doubt that she will fall apart, but she will do that alone, in private... that also breaks my heart to no end, but she is how she is...

It hurt so bad... it's like losing him a second time because with his dementia, he wasn't himself anymore, he had outbursts and would sometimes even be mean, thing that he had never been ever, but the disease was... it was something... now that he's dead, it's almost a relieve because watching him decline like this, become a totally other person, was harder than anything else. He wasn't happy either, he was suffering for there were time where he could be himself for an hour or just a few minutes, and the sorrow that was pouring out of him in those moment was worse than anything... that's why I couldn't visit that much, it was too much for me, I couldn't...

It was night now. The kids went into hotels, or directly took a flight to go back to their respective home. My mom was in bed upstairs, Kamaya as well, while me and Stef are downstairs, in our room.

I took my shower first, and now I can hear Stef turning off the water, and I decided to go to bed and just turn my back in the opposite direction of her, so that we would just go to sleep and nothing more. I want this day to be over.