Lena's POV
Waking up into Stef's arms that morning after my dad's funerals felt like some kind of dream. A dream where my wife fell asleep while holding me tight like she used to.
She felt so good, so strong. It was like nothing could ever happen to me as long as I remain in her arms. But it was also soft, comforting and so, so warm.
When I opened my eyes and saw her peaceful face... it broke my heart... she was so beautiful. Her short blond hair over her face, that I just wanted to stroke behind her ear... I wouldn't dare move though. I didn't want her to open her eyes, I just wanted to stay in my dream just a little longer...
Unfortunately, at one point she had to wake up, and that same look that she has in her eyes... that look of constant confusion of being around people that she doesn't remember...
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A few days later, we are back home in our routine. Kamaya at school, Stef going to PT and me doing nothing of my life.
I don't have a job anymore; I don't have my wife anymore. I've lost my father, which only remind me that I've lost my baby Frankie as well...
And here comes the depression... here comes that feeling of desperation, of not knowing what to do with myself. This feeling of being lost in my own life, knowing that I have to do something with it, but not having the energy to actually do anything.
Stef tries as much as she can to comfort me, to talk with me, but I can barely respond to her... also, it sounds so forced, like she feels that she owes me something and I hate it... so I just ignore her sometimes for I don't have it in me to scream, or fight, or do anything else...
As I'm lay back in the couch, it's Sunday, and though usually we try to go out a little with Kamaya, today I didn't feel like it... I didn't want to move or see people or anything.
Once again, my pain is expressing itself by cutting my appetite off... I'm never hungry and though Stef tries to make me eat, I can barely eat a salade, much less a complete meal.
"Mama? Can we go get some ice cream? It's a bit hot today." Kamaya says gently as she runs her little tip finger over my arm while she's standing in front of me.
"Honey, I... not today, okay?" I say, for I feel so tired even though I don't do anything. And I'm sad, I'm sad all the time and even the little thing that used to make me happy, I just don't feel like it anymore.
"Oh... okay... can I snuggle with you then?" She asks so gently...
I love her so much, and I hate that I feel so bad that I'm barely taking care of her. She deserves so much better. After all she's been through, I'm incapable of giving her what she needs. Stef has always been so much better than me at that. When I was in Sacramento, I neglected Kamaya so much... I wasn't a good mother at all, and now... now it doesn't seem like it has change so much, even though I don't work anymore... what is wrong with me?
"Sure... come here." I agree as I move a little just so that she can slide her little body against mine and I put my arm around her as she lays her head next to mine, facing me.
"I love you, you know that?" I whisper softly to my baby girl. Sometimes it's hard to look at her... it's hard to admit that I see in her what Frankie could have been... it's bad to feel that because Kamaya is not Frankie, yet sometimes... I can't help but wish that she was... it's horrible, and I feel terribly guilty to have that kind of thought sometimes.
"I know. I love you too, with all my heart." She says softly as she smiles at me, and now I just want to cry, but I'm holding it in because I don't want to scare her.

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Please, Remember The Bench (BY: Book 3)
Fanfiction5 years after adopting 5-year-old Kamaya, Stef and Lena remained together as a couple. Lena is now an important woman in society due to her job at the State Assembly in Sacramento, while Stef is a social worker, running and women and children shelte...