The Week Of Firsts.

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CW!! This part has discussions of anxiety and negative self-image throughout the entire chapter again. There's also talk of rectal child-birth, but it's seriously nothing graphic, just comments about it from Jisung. If you're triggered by descriptions of anxiety, racing thoughts, or just general negative thoughts about oneself, I really recommend you skip this part. It gets kinda sad :(
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This week Jisung is thirty weeks pregnant and barely two months shy of popping out a kid of his own. It's kind of unbelievable. Sometimes he would even be pressed to believe that this experience is all just a long and weirdly vivid dream. His daughter never fails to prove to him just how real she is though- with her constant beating up of his most vitals organs, that is.

She moves so much as he's sitting on Minho's couch trying to concentrate on his Switch game, that he lost count of her movements. It feels like he lost count around the thirty-first or thirty-third somersault. He thinks it's safe to say he can stop counting for the day as she's proven she's feeling quiet spry and well.

Her movements seem to cause his belly to tighten suddenly, and he pauses his game to look down at his bump. When he rolls his shirt up he can literally see his stomach tensing. It's weird and uncomfortable, but not particularly painful. His doctor told him about Braxton Hicks contractions beforehand. He was waiting for them to inevitably start, and he'd just had his first ones.

The practice contractions aren't the only firsts he's had this week, as he's recently noticed his first stretch marks too. He's not sure when exactly they appeared since he doesn't often get a good look at his lower body, but he saw them after a shower. If he were being especially honest, he'd say he avoids looking at his body in the mirror for prolonged amounts of time. He's realized that if he allows himself to, he'll stand in front of the mirror and pick out every change and flaw on his body. He'll see the spreading of his hips or the thickness of his thighs and start to feel bad about himself. It was only by chance that he noticed the blooming stretch marks on the lower portion of his belly. They're not huge yet, but they are dark and he can't miss them now that he's noticed them. He hoped that he'd be lucky like Felix and never have any noticeable stretch marks, but he learned he was naive to believe so.

He showed them to Minho, near hysterics at the time, but the older didn't quiet understand why he was so upset. Minho just rubbed them with the pad of his thumb and brushed it off saying it "wasn't even noticeable". His response made Jisung cry because he knew he was lying, but the alpha kept reassuring him he'd never even seen them until the omega pointed them out. The alpha ended up hugging him and rubbing his back while he cried. Minho didn't know what to say to make Jisung feel better, but they both knew time was really the only thing that could comfort him sufficiently.

His body wasn't attractive right now, he knew that. Minho is truly an angel and constantly reassures him and gives him unprompted compliments to make him feel better. The alpha even openly states that he can't keep his hands off of him, and he does act like it. Jisung doesn't feel like he truly feels like he says he does however. There's no way he does. Jisung feels like he's utterly revolting to see naked.

At times, he will think that he's being too hard on himself. He's growing a human being and he's so much more than what his body looks like. The only reason he even finds the changes to his body so unattractive is because it's him, and anything he does is disappointing if it isn't perfect. Even if it's how his body handles pregnancy.

He's never had great self-esteem. Since he can remember, he felt he was too short, too skinny, too loud, too everything. He was just too much, so he has to compensate for it by being perfect at everything he does. His perfectionism has worn down his confidence and made him anxious about everything he says or does. He only just started to manage his anxiety before he got pregnant. Now, everything is changing and the coping mechanisms he had before no longer work.

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