Rhythmic Laws (Law School Series 2)

33

"No."

I always hear this word from every time I disappoint someone.

When the night when I loss my younger brother, my life shifted from hell. Lagi kong sinisisi ang sarili ko sa nangyari na para bang hindi ko na mapapatawad ang kasanalang nagawa ko. Ako ang problema at mali at wala akong magawa kung 'di ang ulit ulitin ito hanggang sa iwan ako ni Mama.

No is the word that always give me chills inside my body. Hindi ko matanggap ito, hindi ko rin masikmurang sabihin. That's why I became a pleaser.

Dominic, my abusive ex became the first one to witness that. I couldn't tell how many times he hurt me mentally, physically, and emotionally, pero paulit-ulit ko lang din siyang pinatawad dahil sa katangahan ko.

Then here comes the numbers of men who I hooked up with. Kung kani-kaninong lalaki ako sumandal, nagpalipas ng oras, at nagsubok maghanap kung nasa kanila ba ang hinahanap kong validation. Pero none of them came close to Seb.

Seb is the epitome of kindness, love, and understanding. He never made me feel that I'm hard to love. But I made him feel that he is. That man didn't deserve a person like me. Still, we became friends.

Until the short span of relationship I had with Raf who thought me more about the nature of our work and service. Raf gained a special spot in my heart too even though we both know that we would kill each other if we continue our relationship. After all, the thing that we had was friends with benefits.

A sudden person came into my life, affecting the entertainment industry I used to know. Theo is the right man but we were never in the right timing. Sometimes I wished I was braver that time, but even though I did, I know people watching us will slowly push us to the precipice of our career.

Akala ko masyado nang pagod ang puso ko, na hindi ko na kaya pang magpapasok ng ibang tao at subukang magmahal ulit.

But then hope came from Sam. He gave me another chance that love can broke us but it could also heal us. Sam became my cure.

Tinuruan niya akong mahalin lalo ang sarili ko. He loves my body, my habits, my singing, my personality, the way I talk, the way I kisses him, the way my hands always reach for him, and the way our bodies felt like a match of a broken puzzle piece that fit together.

Seeing him right now, on his knees, asking me to marry him, why couldn't I answer him.

Hindi naman nanigas ang dila ko sa lamig. Hindi naman naging zipper ang labi ko. At mas lalong hindi ako nananaginip para hindi ko ma-control ito.

This is real and happening. Sam is really asking me to marry him.

But what is wrong with me? Why can't I say yes?

Maybe the truth is, I will never be always ready for love, for commitment, and for building a family with him.

"I'm so sorry, Sam," I said, already on my knees too.