My Teen Living | tøp

Lights

Tyler's POV

Josh drove us to almost the middle of nowhere. It was just road and desert. We got out of the car and he opened his trunk and we sat inside. It was almost night time so we had time to chat.

"We're going to see the star's lights," Josh reported.

It was quiet no one was talking, but it wasn't awkward. It was a peaceful, kind of quiet, knowing us we've been friends for almost 4 years together we've never had any awkwardness around each other. We enjoyed us spending quality time with each other and being next to each other so being quiet wasn't affecting us at all I could tell.

"You know," Jenna spoke, "we should do something,"

"We are," Debby stated.

"No, not like this, I mean like.. we should get out of our way and do something," she says.

"Explain," Josh questioned.

"Remember, when we were in eighth grade and we were at Debby's house for movie night? And we chose that one movie where it was the girl that had cancer and she met a boy, and she made a bucket list to experience with him before she dies?"

"I miss watching that," I muttered.

"Yeah, what about it?" Josh asked, "are you saying we should make a bucket list?"

"Yeah, but like.. I don't know.. I feel like we have so much left to do but we're not doing anything about it. We need to make our life worthy,"

Everyone kept quiet. I don't know what everyone was thinking, but I was thinking about what Mr. Meany was talking about this morning about me not feeling real, about me not being real, about my cuts on my wrist that I was hiding with my hoodie. I would love to do a bucket list, but would I be really doing a bucket list?

"But, none of us has cancer or is going to die?" Debby whispered cuddling next to Josh.

Jenna smiled, "no, no none of us are. are we.." she whispered looking at the ground.

I thought of what they were talking about. We should be doing some thing with our lives. We should be going out there, but we should do so much more than that. We have a purpose in life and we stayed in life because we needed to stay in life because we needed to feel real. We're on this earth to experience the lifecycle. But we're not normal, none of us are, we all have these different disorders that we can't control and that makes us feel immortal by it with everybody else that is normal.

My therapist always said that I am normal just because I go to therapy and just because I have some stuff wrong with me doesn't change the fact that I'm not a normal human being. But that's not what I mean. We're not normal we're not average we're not a human being. We're just living.

Everyone kept small talk going until we finally saw all the stars in the sky. Since it was just plain desert, there was no lights to cover the stars like how it is in the city. You could actually see every star it looked like powdered sugar on a doughnut. Or salt on a black cloth.

"What if we did die," I spoke.

Dot dot dot. Nobody was saying anything. I thought they were looking at the stars, and they were focusing on that more than they are focusing on what was around them, but really they were just looking at me.

"What do you mean Tyler?" Josh whispered.

" I mean, everyone has wanted to die at one point, and knowing us, knowing what we have knowing all the stuff that we could've done, but we didn't because of all of the things we always worried about and all the things we're so caught up in our brains, we're not normal," I admitted, " it's like the girl with cancer. She had little days left to live and she knew that and she was making it all worth it by spending time with a person she truly felt safe with,"

I wasn't looking at them, but I knew they were looking at me like I was crazy and like I was just saying things that came out of my mouth and I wasn't actually thinking but I knew what I meant. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly what I thought even if I don't feel like I how I feel, I know what I want. I know my desire.

"What if we do," Debby added.

"What if we do what.?" Jenna turned looking at me and Debby both.

"What if...we all...like end it," Debby looked up at the stars again.

"Are you guys crazy?" Josh called.

Silence.

"We're not going to kill ourselves just because something is wrong with us, we still have so much ahead of us," Josh spoke.

"Your just afraid to take the first step, because everything you see is all the negative stuff ten miles done the road," Josh said, "but you can do anything you want to do, we are bound by nothing,"

"How could we process grief?" I ignored Josh's statement. But that's only because I knew he was only saying that to motivate us to keep going, but I am talking about the stuff to do when we don't want to keep going, "by running away from it," that's a difference

"It's weird because life is the big part in us but then suddenly it's not.." Debby says.

"It's like school," Jenna told us, "like it's 18 years with the same humans all over again and then just, like bye, you graduate and go on your own path,"

"I think I've come to the fact that there will always be loneliness no matter how far you try to run from it," I said aloud but I was trying to only think, not speak. I got out of the back of the trunk and walked infront of the car and stared at the stars. Debby got up and stood next to me, then Jenna and Josh, "you cannot make anyone understand and feel as deeply as you feel, you either understand them and they don't understand you,"

" I truly do want us to stay together for as long as we all live you guys and I don't want any of us to die first, and then we think about all the grief that we will feel once we pass away one by one," Debby look at me, "what if we..stay together..be with each other and die with each other,"

It was quiet.

"Okay," Josh replied.

"Let's die together," Jenna said happily.

"Let's be together with eachother by our side, forever," Debby smiled.

"I love you all," I let out.

You are bound by nothing.