My Teen Living | tøp

Shutting You Out, Goodbye.

Tyler's POV

"Did she touch you like what way? Did she touch you in your private area?" The police officer asked.

"Y-yeah basically..and I just let it happen.." I whispered looking down.

"And when she did that stuff, did you ever tell her to stop? Or told her that you didn't want her to do that?" She looked at me.

"N-no I felt bad that I would've made her upset..like I didn't want her to feel ashamed in herself.. I don't know how to explain it but I just let it happen.. it was a shock to me I didn't know what to do in that moment," I sniffed.

She stayed quiet for a moment and stared at me, "you felt that bad that you let her touch you like that?"

"Oh- um.. yeah.. well I guess so," hearing those words hurt me in some way. I didn't know how to explain it. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt her so I made her hurt me.

"Okay well, I have enough information you can go back to the office to your counselor."

I got up and felt like my body has been squished. It was such an awkward conversation. What was I supposed to do. I was 15. She took advantage of me. I didn't know what to say to make it stop. I didn't want her to cry. She already had enough stuff to go on about with her. I didn't want to make it worse for her.

I got an incoming call from Josh.

"Hey are you okay? Are you coming back to class," He asked, I heard the sounds of various instruments in the back. We had band class and my counselor took me outside.

"Um.. I-I don't think so," I gulped. I looked around me to see if anyone could see me. I walked out. I walked outside of the school grounds and just kept walking.

"Hey.. listen, I really care about you I hope you kno-"

"I know." I sighed.

"I love you okay?" Josh said.

"Okay," I choked back on the tears I had in my eyes.

Before he could speak anymore I ended the call. I found myself near an intersection and kept walking. I didn't know where I was walking but I kept walking until I knew when to stop.

I couldn't help but feel ashamed. Disappointed. Disgusted. Who would want a stupid person like me. I have nothing left to live for. I'm just a horrible person to have around.

I let tears fall down as I kept walking and walking. Cars pass and I saw faces that didn't bother to look at me. I sighed and kept walking to wherever my feet took me.

I could've been a better person. I could've defended myself. Did I want it at the time? Is that why I didn't tell her to stop? Or was I scared? Was I scared that she would shut me out if I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Was I scared of her hurting me.

Hurt. She did hurt me. But why am I only realizing just now? Just now I am. Why couldn't I just get her to stop. I could've done something. I couldve spoke. I could've pushed her off. But I didn't.

Why.?

Why did I make myself suffer the way I did for so long. Why did I make myself feel the suffering that I thought I deserved. I hated myself so much I made someone else hurt me so I wouldn't take the blame that I would hurt myself.

I couldn't do this anymore.

I cant live in this Earth without knowing the pressure. The thought will always haunt me. The view of her. She's not gone. She's still here. I will forever suffer from her.

I hate her. She hurt me. I don't feel anything.

I miss me. I miss my body. I miss who I was.

I couldn't take it. I miss me. Can I be me if I kill myself? Would my problems be solved if I drown right here and right now?

I step on the ledge and look down to see the water rushing from the bridge I was on. I looked at my shoes. Untied.

Would she feel guilty that I killed myself for her. Does she know that I hate myself because of her? I hope she does. I hope she feels guilty for the innocence she took away from me. She ruined me. She ruined and took me away from me. I simply can't be myself anymore. I don't understand this feeling inside of me, I can't even explain it to myself.

Breathe in.

10 more minutes.

I hope Jenna knows how much she means to me. My friend. My best friend. I love her. As much as we had our mishaps in the past. I will always love her. She would be my craving. She is formidable to me. She could beat me to smithereens and I would still love her and follow after her like a dog. She is the tear in my heart. My shallow heart.

Debby my sweet girl. Why did you kill yourself.
Kill yourself. Starve yourself what's the difference. Hurt yourself. Make yourself worse everyday. What's the difference. Why does she kill her herself. My best friend that I care for so dearly. She been close with me and we grew apart and now I couldn't do anything to save her. I blame for everything but if I stayed close to her like I was with her before would she be doing this?

Josh my best friend and my soul in whole. I loved you like a brother like a friend and more. I can't explain the feelings that would feel when I was around you. You were something different something special. I failed you. I know you were disappointed in me. And I still tried to get on your good side no matter what the cause was. I can't explain of how I feel about life but you make it complete. And you make it complete.

I'm sorry for shutting you out, goodbye.

Maybe I will always forever be a broken mirror. My mistakes will always be broken. And I wont be able to pick them up because their too sharp for me. They would cut me if I help myself up. Maybe that's how it should be. Maybe it should've been like that. Maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe the pieces are something that I have to remember. I have to remember the past so I can be the person and make myself better. Should I know it's for the better? Maybe it was for the better. I think it is for the better. I know it's for the better.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I will forever be a broken mirror. The pieces will always be a resemblance of what problems I have. So I can remember.

I will be a broken mirror. The pieces will be a resemblance of everything I have. To remember.

Broken mirror. Resemblance of everything I am. So I can remember.

I am a broken mirror. So I can remember.