My Teen Living | tøp

I Miss Me

Tyler's POV

I miss You.

I miss me.

I miss the young me, when I was 7 years old and everyday after school and I would play with my neighborhood friends. I miss them.

I miss my childhood friends.

I miss me especially. I don't think that my child self would be thrilled to see me now. I can't even imagine it. I miss who I was. My legs are stinging. I can't go back.

I have the worst miserable feeling deep inside me and I just want to grab it and put it in other people.

I can't be anything. I wanna change. But I will always be the same no matter how many times I try.

My arms hurt. They sting. I DONT  Like me.

It hurts. Me. I am hurt. I know that I can't change someone. Like how I can't change me.

I watch as the toilet paper have red dots on it from the bleed it's trying to pick up from my leg.

I miss me. I say that but I'm still ruining myself. But I want to change, so why wont I?

Am I afraid?

Oh no. A song came on, from when that happened.

I still remember her hands on me. Her skin against my skin. I didn't know what I wanted. Back at my house. I was all over her.

I felt lonely.

I couldn't save myself, I didn't want to save myself at that time. I showed so much sadness and careness for her. I didnt change anything or seem to want to change.

When I told you I loved you and you said you didn't love me back it was a critical hit.

But now that she's gone. I hate every bit of it now. How come I didn't before? Is it still sexual assault, if I let it happen? Is it even sexual assault if I didn't say anything for her to stop? Is it even bad? Or am I just being dramatic.

I hear the car door. My mom is probably home. I cant let her hear or see me like this. I tell her I'm going to take a shower.

That's always my excuse for when I cry.

Who am I? All I hear is the sound of guitar plucking and the sounds of the waves in my ear. Where am I? I can't even answer that. Physically I'm here. But I don't know where I am mentally. Could I still be who I want to be.

Why am I sad? Others have a reason to be sad. I don't. Everything that happened to me was nothing compared to other people. And I know others could be sensitive. But can I just stop being a stupid crybaby? I cant find any kind of love for myself  anymore.

I could go home escape it all.

I remember when I used to shine. I had such a personality. But everything changed me. I can't seem like I'm doing fine when I'm not.

I can't take it anymore.

It feels soft in my skin as I hold it. Knowing it can cut me in seconds. It feels sharp but not sharp enough.

I sit in silence. I feel it against my skin. It hurts. It stings. I feel the feeling. I break my skin. The redness that was held inside by the barrier of my skin, seep out. I pat my skin dry with toilet paper. Seeing the paper soak up the blood that was on my skin.

Where do I find the potion to stop making me feel like I am not enough.

I am trying to get me to stay, but I don't know how this will end.

I am a broke person. I am broken mirror. And no matter how much I want to glue all the pieces back up, I will use an excuse that the pieces were too sharp to pick up, so I don't have to pick myself up. I will forever be a broken mirror.