Dial Drunk - Post Malone

3

"Can you put Levi on my payroll?" Austin asks Dre as they head out of LA to shoot his music video. "Why?" Dre asks, pulling a confused face. "I don't want Satan to have any leverage over her. I don't trust him, he will fire her anyway just cos he can," Austin explains what has been running through his mind for the last two days. He is shooting his music video today, then has an interview and an appearance tomorrow. This weekend he and Grassy are moving into their house and the week that follows is blocked out entirely for him to meet Levi every day at the studio to work on the album - turns out he will have less than 13 weeks to work on the album given his busy schedule. "I mean...I could look into it. It will be expensive," Dre says.

"That's fine. Just - ah! Fuck!" he shouts cutting himself off when Grassy suddenly pinches him. "Austin! Your hands!" Grassy says angrily. "OK!" he shouts at Grassy, making the sign for OK with his hands. Grassy had offered his services at teaching Austin sign language in exchange for free board, lodging, water, toilet paper, and gum. It's what Austin was giving him already so it was an easy negotiation. Besides, Grassy is actually pretty good at sign language and when Austin pointed out how well his cousin had taught him to sign Grassy said that his cousin was not his cousin but his friend, he just forgot, or maybe she is his cousin, he is not sure who the fuck she is. He is not sure if she is even deaf, but he is fluent in sign language. Grassy is a lot of work to try and keep up with, but Austin would be fucked without him. He is Austin's comfort blanket.  "Now answer Dre using your hands too," Grassy says. Austin sighs and opens the book of sign language Grassy had thrown at him two days ago. "Just...make...it...happen," he says slowly as he signs each word. Learning sign language is fucking hard.

"OK," Dre says copying what Austin did earlier and signing the word. "Am I on your payroll? I don't want Leo to suggest I take it up the ass to keep my job. That makes me feel dirty and not appreciated. I deserve job safety too," Grassy says, signing as he talks. He is so fast and smooth with his movements. "No...you are...mine," Austin signs.

"Awww, honey. I love you too. Sign that you love me back."

"Fuck off."

"Ooh, where did you learn to sign that?"

"I googled that. Aah! Fuck, Grassy!"

"Use your hands!" Grassy warns pulling his hand back after pinching him again.

So that's his life now. He spends the rest of the day in a field with a bunch of people fluffing around him and a heap of cameras in his face while they direct him to repeat different movements over and over again. He can't sing because of how many takes they do and it would leave his voice damaged so he mouths the words to his song over and over again while it plays in the background - he is starting to hate the song given how many times it plays. He is also constantly pinched, slapped or licked by Grassy when they are on a ten-minute break and he forgets to use his hands when he talks. Grassy's teaching methods are unconventional, but they fucking work and by the end of the day, Austin has made some headway. It's more so out of absolute fear that Grassy will lick him again, that shit freaked everyone out who witnessed it.

Fortunately for them, they get to go home after they have finished shooting. But, Austin can't catch a break because he is stuck with Grassy who won't give him a fucking break as he continues to monitor Austin heavily all the way home and then proceeds to pull out flashcards and flip through them while Austin is trying to de-stress in a piping hot bath that Grassy had run for him. It also does not help that Grassy takes a dump while doing all this. Austin is now determined to learn sign language as fast as he fucking can just so he can end his classes with Grassy. He is severely traumatized.

But, sign language is complicated and so the lessons continue for the entire weekend and Grassy watches him like a fucking hawk while they pack up their belongings at the apartment and move everything into the new house. He puts Grassy in a room that is across the house from his, far away. But, he ignores that and lands in the room next to Austin. The house is massive compared to the apartment, it echoes and feels a bit empty so Grassy suggests this is the perfect opportunity for Austin to practice his sign language by going around town and picking out furniture for the house. So that's what they do once they have unpacked all their boxes. It's a mistake because Grassy licks him three times during their venture and scares the shit out of a sales lady when he falls asleep on a couch in one of the furniture stores - she thought he was dead.