Dial Drunk - Post Malone

27

"Are you sure about this?" Austin asks swallowing thickly. It's just a fucking beard. It will grow back. "Austin think about first impressions. Do you want Levi's parents to know you are a heathen or think you are a clean cut respectable gentleman?" Grassy asks as he holds up the clippers. "A clean-cut respectable gentleman. OK! Just do it!" Austin says squeezing his eyes shut and holding his breath as he hears Grassy turn on the the clippers. He will do anything for Levi and that includes cutting off his messy unkempt beard that has become his pride and joy.

They both jump when there is a sudden frantic banging on the bathroom door. Grassy turns off the clippers and opens the door then Levi comes into the bathroom like a cop with a search warrant. She goes straight for Austin's face grabbing it and inspecting his beard then breathing out heavily. She spins and grabs the clippers, throwing that baby goat glare over her shoulder at both Austin and Grassy as she storms out. Then pops her head back in, pointing at Grassy before she drags her finger across her neck and then storms away again. "Bit aggressive," Grassy says. Austin hears loud repeated banging and then sees Levi storm past to the bedroom. Grassy looks at him then they both peep out of the bathroom gingerly.

There on the floor near the breakfast nook are the clippers, smashed to bits. "Something tells me she does not want your beard touched," Grassy mumbles. "I think your psychic powers are correct, buddy," Austin says then steps out of the bathroom and walks down to the bedroom, poking his head in. She is sitting on the end of the bed, arms crossed and, yup, a baby goat scrunch on her face. When he steps in she turns her scowl on him.

"Do you like my breasts?" she signs.

"Is that a trick question?"

"Answer me," she signs standing up.

"Yes, sweet. I like your breasts."

"No beard. No breasts."

"Excuse me?"

"If you cut your beard off you may not look at, touch or lick my breasts till it grows back."

"What about sucking? May I still suck them?"

"Nothing," she signs with her hands, she is very final with her hands signs. Austin's brows shoot up then he grins and cocks his head. "You have a thing for my beard," he signs. "Yes. So what?" she signs her face now set in a defensive snooty pout. "You think it's sexy? Do you love it? Does it get you off?" he asks taking her in his arms and rubbing his beard on the small of her neck as her body curls and her shoulders start to shake. "I won't cut my beard," he says when he lifts his head. "Thank you," she signs. "But I do want to make a good impression on your parents. It matters," he says. "Just be yourself. They will love you," she signs then rolls her eyes making him grin, "I love you too," he says, leaning down and kissing her.

"Is it safe to come in?" he hears Grassy say through the door. "Grassy is outside and asking to come in," he says breaking the kiss. She pouts but gives him a quick nod. "Come in Grassy, but be careful. She moves quickly," he says then laughs when Levi smacks his arm gently. Grassy opens the door and pokes his head in. "I would like to apologize for my attempt at murdering the beard. Please accept my apology and remember I am just a man who gets easily caught up in the moment...it was all Austin's fault," Grassy says. "It's OK, Grassy. I know you were led astray by Austin," Levi signs. Austin's mouth drops open and he looks around the room in his shock.

"This whole thing was his idea," Austin signs trying to defend himself. "Nonsense, Grassy would never betray me like that. Would you, Grassy?" Levi signs. "Never, Levi, I am full of shame at ever being convinced to take part in such an egregious act," Grassy signs. "You were just being a good friend," Levi signs. "I was," Grassy signs. He has taken no responsibility for his part in any of this and pushed all the blame on Austin. To be fair, Austin should have known he would. "This is bulshit! I don't appreciate being ganged up on like this," he says as Levi and Grassy start giggling. "It's time to go," Levi signs. "I am not dressed yet. I have a suit," Austin says. "Austin. I love you for wanting to put so much effort in but my parents are simple people and my father will probably rag you if you turn up in a suit," she signs then places his Stetson on his head and takes a step back, looking him up and down. "My mother is going to love you," she signs biting her lip. "Your mother got a thing for cowboys?" Grassy signs. "All women have a thing for cowboys," she signs then takes Austin's hand and pulls him out of the bedroom.