Choices We Cant Make

chapter 9: love of my life

*NOTE: I know it seems as if I jumped from chapter 2 to 9, but this is just parts of Violet's journal , and the important ones are part of the plot.... also *DISCLAIMER*- there is mention of RAPE and ASSAULT. so please read with caution*

I always meddled with what love actually meant to me. I never really experienced love until I met him. (no we are not gonna talk about him) Anyways, everything was so golden and beautiful until everything became dark and red. Red - red was the color of the mattress I woke up on that frat party.

He invited me to his friend's fraternity house for a party. He wanted to show me off and I obliged of course.

I dont remember much of that night, but i remember drinking something awful and falling asleep on the couch. The supposed love of my life had left me- Just how he did a week ago, the latter being more permanent.

I remember somebodies hands on me- I dont remember who. I passed out and when I woke up after 5 minutes, which felt like an hour I could feel something sting inside of me. I realized someone was pushing himself into me. I tried to flee- I pushed him but he was muscular and held both of my hands with his one hand. I tried yelling for help but nobody seemed to bother.

There were like 4 other men in the room. I could feel the cold air run across my naked breasts.

The person flipped me into a position where i couldn't see him. He pushed himself harder inside me and I squeezed myself which made him grunt and finally release himself inside me. I could feel it. I could feel the warmth and the pain and the blood all over my body. I could feel the guilt ascend over me as I came along with him. Along with a stranger who was not the supposed love of my life.

It was not that I wasn't a virgin- it was the fact that i was unconscious that painted a murder scene on the mattress I woke up on.

I remember leaving the room - naked. And running across the frat house with a blanket covering me. I was so terribly drunk that night.

I ran across the streets until I finally reached Aunt Arma's house - who luckily lived close by. I stayed there for 2 weeks until she had to leave to London to meet some childhood friend of hers. She took care of me. Drama did make its way to my mom. Rumors were made, but he. He never left me. He stood with me and despite knowing everything we both made it through.

My mother of course was unaware and I wanted it to stay that way.

She was never the understanding type- matter of fact she would have blamed me for wearing that skimpy black top.

Anyways. I was able to live with it for a month. He made living so easy. Until I did not get my period a month later and

I knew I was pregnant with my rapists child.

This is not about him. This is about me. About how I fought through the ugly side of love, to only see it perish right in front of me. I can never get back to him. Ever. However I do feel like the luckiest son of a bitch to have that echoing feeling of love radiate within me for someone else, someone Blue.

My mother always told me "you can only feel love if you are blessed enough to" And I think I was blessed much more than what I deserved. However the thing with love is that it does not always end with "happy". I lost Sam. I do not love Sam anymore.

My heart beats for Blue but I know Blue will never love me the way Sam did or does.

I hate writing my past, but a sense of relief washes me down whenever I write in this journal. This journal that is all about my dark nights.